1 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:28,898 ♪♪ [1950s pop ballad intro] 2 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:34,860 MAN: ♪ My love must be a kind of blind love ♪ 3 00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:42,433 ♪ I can't see anyone but you 4 00:00:45,001 --> 00:00:46,307 BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ Sha-ba-sha-ba 5 00:00:48,961 --> 00:00:50,746 ♪ Ga-ba-sha-ba 6 00:00:52,835 --> 00:00:54,489 ♪ Ga-ba-sha-ba 7 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,754 ♪ Ga-ba-sha-ba 8 00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:02,366 ♪ Sha-ba-sha-ba 9 00:01:05,021 --> 00:01:06,501 ♪ Ga-ba-sha-ba 10 00:01:09,112 --> 00:01:11,027 ♪ Ga-ba-sha-ba 11 00:01:12,985 --> 00:01:14,813 ♪ Ga-ba-sha-ba 12 00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:17,947 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, 13 00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:21,385 will you please welcome to the stage Mr. Dylan Moran. 14 00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:23,518 [applause, cheers] 15 00:01:30,264 --> 00:01:33,093 MAN: ♪ Are the stars 16 00:01:33,136 --> 00:01:36,183 ♪ Out tonight? ♪ 17 00:01:36,226 --> 00:01:37,706 Hey! 18 00:01:37,749 --> 00:01:41,101 Hello! Thank you. 19 00:01:41,144 --> 00:01:44,452 Hello. Thank you very much for coming out. 20 00:01:44,495 --> 00:01:47,890 Thank you for leaving your computer screens 21 00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:51,937 and all the arguments you were refining at home. 22 00:01:51,981 --> 00:01:53,635 I'm very glad you came. 23 00:01:53,678 --> 00:01:56,681 Um, now, you people, 24 00:01:56,725 --> 00:01:59,380 all of you here are the survivors, as far as I'm concerned. 25 00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:03,732 You're the people who are tough enough to live in London. 26 00:02:03,775 --> 00:02:05,951 I didn't quite make it. I tried it some time ago. 27 00:02:05,995 --> 00:02:08,171 But-- You know. You need a lot of grit, a lot of gumption. 28 00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:09,651 You've seen the people who wimp out. 29 00:02:09,694 --> 00:02:11,305 They move to Kent or whatever 30 00:02:11,348 --> 00:02:13,263 and they still think they're sort of in the mix. 31 00:02:13,307 --> 00:02:15,135 And they're not. You know that. 32 00:02:15,178 --> 00:02:18,007 They're finished. They're not even human beings. 33 00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:19,530 You're glad to see them go. 34 00:02:19,574 --> 00:02:22,142 That's it. You didn't have what it takes. 35 00:02:22,185 --> 00:02:25,057 You couldn't handle the irony before lunch. 36 00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:28,713 Jazzercise for dinner. 37 00:02:28,757 --> 00:02:31,847 Didn't have that thing in you that makes you hungry, 38 00:02:31,890 --> 00:02:34,806 that gives you what you need to live in a paper cup 39 00:02:34,850 --> 00:02:37,505 at the bottom of somebody else's garden in Balham. 40 00:02:38,462 --> 00:02:41,204 You got to have that thing. 41 00:02:41,248 --> 00:02:44,381 £1200 a month, it's a fucking bargain. 42 00:02:45,556 --> 00:02:47,645 'Cause it's tough. You know it's tough here. 43 00:02:47,689 --> 00:02:49,604 Look at the faces outside. Look. 44 00:02:49,647 --> 00:02:51,345 The streets are thronged with people 45 00:02:51,388 --> 00:02:53,608 who look like they haven't been able to take a shit in years. 46 00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:55,566 It is tough out there. 47 00:02:56,872 --> 00:02:58,308 You know it. 48 00:02:58,352 --> 00:03:00,049 Everybody's here. Everybody. 49 00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:01,920 Everybody came from everywhere. 50 00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:05,141 That's why all those right-wing parties all over Europe-- 51 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,882 we have one here in Britain, UKIP-- 52 00:03:06,925 --> 00:03:08,405 telling peop-- to stay away, people. 53 00:03:08,449 --> 00:03:09,928 Going, "Stay away." 54 00:03:09,972 --> 00:03:12,192 You're never going to succeed long-term anyway. 55 00:03:12,235 --> 00:03:15,195 Because-- you know what? Everybody goes everywhere. 56 00:03:15,238 --> 00:03:16,935 You may have noticed. 57 00:03:16,979 --> 00:03:19,460 And we need them. We need everybody. 58 00:03:19,503 --> 00:03:20,852 You need all the people who come here. 59 00:03:20,896 --> 00:03:22,724 You need all the people from the East. 60 00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:25,770 Clever, ingenious people from Eastern Europe who came over. 61 00:03:25,814 --> 00:03:28,904 A lot of suspicion at first. These are ingenious people. 62 00:03:28,947 --> 00:03:32,386 Look at what they did after the Second World War, after 1989. 63 00:03:32,429 --> 00:03:35,171 These people didn't have a whole lot in a lot of these countries. 64 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,565 Their inheritance was, you know, half of cabbage, 65 00:03:37,608 --> 00:03:39,828 a rusty spoon and a cow with a cough. 66 00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:44,441 So they had to think and make it work, and they did. 67 00:03:44,485 --> 00:03:47,749 And now they're here, and people were suspicious for superficial reasons. 68 00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:50,273 You know, just because their names look like Wi-Fi codes. 69 00:03:50,317 --> 00:03:52,232 It's a name. What does it matter? 70 00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:56,497 Does it matter? 71 00:03:56,540 --> 00:04:00,022 These people can pickle anything. Of course you need them. 72 00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:07,682 Nowadays when you see a Russian in a Hollywood movie, 73 00:04:07,725 --> 00:04:11,294 they're always the villain because of one man. 74 00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:13,253 Because of Putin. 75 00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:14,950 Everybody else is a villain all of a sudden. 76 00:04:14,993 --> 00:04:17,561 If you see a Russian in a Hollywood movie, he has a scar. 77 00:04:17,605 --> 00:04:19,694 It starts here. It goes over his face, 78 00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:23,698 over all the furniture in his apartment, out onto the street. 79 00:04:23,741 --> 00:04:27,397 He doesn't have a left hand. He just has a blender or something. 80 00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:29,921 And all he says is-- [Russian accent] "Since I come to your country, 81 00:04:29,965 --> 00:04:33,360 it's very easy for me to make bomb 82 00:04:33,403 --> 00:04:35,362 from old cereal packets and dead cat. 83 00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:38,147 Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah." 84 00:04:38,190 --> 00:04:40,236 You need all the voices. 85 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,803 You need American voices. 86 00:04:41,846 --> 00:04:43,892 You need the American voices from the further west 87 00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:46,155 to counteract our European attitude. 88 00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:47,852 'Cause those people are so positive. 89 00:04:47,896 --> 00:04:50,725 They're the people who walk around going, "Giving it 100%, 5,000%, 90 00:04:50,768 --> 00:04:53,162 I'm so glad to be here. 91 00:04:53,205 --> 00:04:55,469 Are you good? Hey, how are you? Are you good?" 92 00:04:55,512 --> 00:04:57,384 To us that sounds like a threat. 93 00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:00,735 What is this, giving it 100% stuff? 94 00:05:00,778 --> 00:05:04,391 We're European. We give it 11%, okay? That's it. 95 00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:06,523 If somebody you know is on fire in front of you, 96 00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:08,917 maybe you'll knock it up to 13, but that's it. 97 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:15,663 But we need them. Even here within these islands, 98 00:05:15,706 --> 00:05:17,534 people have suddenly got all suspicious. 99 00:05:17,578 --> 00:05:19,710 I live up in Scotland, okay? 100 00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:22,234 You know, the other place? 101 00:05:22,278 --> 00:05:24,672 It's become this weird division now, 102 00:05:24,715 --> 00:05:26,282 where people are regarding each other 103 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,632 with a lot of suspicion and wariness. 104 00:05:28,676 --> 00:05:32,244 You need all the voices of these parts. You need Scottish voices. 105 00:05:32,288 --> 00:05:34,769 These people are very good to talk with and argue with. 106 00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:36,379 They're very good at catching you out. 107 00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:39,556 They'll get you on a technicality, even at 2:00 AM in a pub. 108 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:42,385 If you listen to them, they are very, very refined in their thinking. 109 00:05:42,429 --> 00:05:45,867 They'll say, "Actually, you're talking radioactive piss." 110 00:05:47,129 --> 00:05:49,349 The Welsh people-- of course you need the Welsh people. 111 00:05:49,392 --> 00:05:50,872 The Welsh people have sort of been sidelined 112 00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:52,917 because of what's going on between England and Scotland. 113 00:05:52,961 --> 00:05:55,398 Wales is the traumatized child in the car 114 00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:58,183 being driven around by the bickering couple, 115 00:05:58,227 --> 00:06:01,143 looking out the window going "Oh, please." Um-- 116 00:06:02,492 --> 00:06:04,842 You need all the voices. 117 00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:06,714 You need Welsh voices. They have the best voice in the world 118 00:06:06,757 --> 00:06:09,369 for breaking bad news gently. 119 00:06:09,412 --> 00:06:12,197 "Well, it just sort of exploded, you see. 120 00:06:12,241 --> 00:06:15,418 It just-- It was fine one moment. 121 00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:18,639 We were there and now we don't go near it. It's just, uh--" 122 00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:22,425 You need English voices. Of course you need English voices. 123 00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:26,211 They're very reliable voices for explaining why nothing works. 124 00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:27,996 It's never worked. It's always been like that. 125 00:06:28,039 --> 00:06:30,651 "It's fine. We like it. Don't touch it." And-- 126 00:06:31,129 --> 00:06:32,566 You need-- 127 00:06:34,785 --> 00:06:39,137 You need, you need voices from the Republic of Ireland, of course, 128 00:06:39,181 --> 00:06:41,531 'cause they're the best excusers in the world. 129 00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:43,228 [cheering] 130 00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:46,928 The most carefully crafted excuses that ever existed. 131 00:06:46,971 --> 00:06:48,973 People say, "Oh, well, now, we would have had it, 132 00:06:49,017 --> 00:06:51,715 but my brother gets wet very easily." 133 00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:56,459 You need voices from Ulster, because--[cheering] 134 00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,592 I wasn't actually doing this thinking everybody would be here. 135 00:06:58,635 --> 00:07:00,855 But you are. That's okay. They-- 136 00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:03,031 You need that really amazing voice from there 137 00:07:03,074 --> 00:07:05,163 because that just sounds like a brain talking to itself. 138 00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:06,730 You don't know what's going to come out next. 139 00:07:06,774 --> 00:07:09,254 It's like a Van Morrison song. 140 00:07:09,298 --> 00:07:11,909 "I was there alone with me grapefruit, you know. 141 00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:15,391 So I put it on a piece of wood. I like it in a box. 142 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,001 I go synchronized swimming by myself. 143 00:07:17,045 --> 00:07:18,525 You know, it saves on the cost. 144 00:07:18,568 --> 00:07:21,919 I haven't slept in 17 years." 145 00:07:23,747 --> 00:07:25,314 The point is you need all these people, 146 00:07:25,357 --> 00:07:28,056 because people are always blaming other people for the crisis. 147 00:07:28,099 --> 00:07:29,492 And you're constantly told there's a crisis. 148 00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:31,320 You're in a major crisis all the time 149 00:07:31,363 --> 00:07:33,540 'cause of the rolling news culture we live in. 150 00:07:33,583 --> 00:07:36,760 Financial crisis. The collapse happened in all the fun countries. 151 00:07:36,804 --> 00:07:38,153 Places where you go to have a good time. 152 00:07:38,196 --> 00:07:41,156 Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain. You know. 153 00:07:41,199 --> 00:07:45,769 Places where people run around in front of you and go, "It's nice. I make. 154 00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:50,818 You sit, eat, drink. It's nice." 155 00:07:50,861 --> 00:07:53,473 West of Ireland, very dependent on tourism, and, um-- 156 00:07:56,301 --> 00:07:57,520 The-- 157 00:07:58,565 --> 00:08:00,784 You need everybody. 158 00:08:00,828 --> 00:08:04,092 The, uh-- The thing is the crises come and go, 159 00:08:04,135 --> 00:08:06,747 and you blame this person or that group of people. 160 00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:10,141 But the ultimate crisis-- it never changes. 161 00:08:10,185 --> 00:08:12,100 It's always the same, you know. 162 00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:14,537 And that's that we're all gonna die. 163 00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:18,498 We're all gonna die. All of us. 164 00:08:18,541 --> 00:08:22,023 Yeah. I'm sorry. That's a spoiler. But we are. We're all gonna die. 165 00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:24,199 And people hate it when you say it out loud. 166 00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:25,983 Most of the time they hate it. 167 00:08:26,027 --> 00:08:28,072 Especially if you're having sex. 168 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,032 If you're afflicted with that condition 169 00:08:31,075 --> 00:08:33,164 that makes you go "We're all gonna die" every time you come, 170 00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:36,864 it's very hard to get the mood back. 171 00:08:38,474 --> 00:08:40,171 But we are. And we're all-- 172 00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:41,564 You know, there's no point blaming everybody else, 173 00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:43,523 'cause we're all ultimately alone as well. 174 00:08:43,566 --> 00:08:47,048 Here we are, hot fleas in the gulping dark. 175 00:08:48,179 --> 00:08:49,659 We are alone. 176 00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:51,922 'Cause people don't really have religion anymore, you know. 177 00:08:51,966 --> 00:08:53,968 You don't really have religion in this country anyway. 178 00:08:54,011 --> 00:08:57,493 You know, the Christian religion doesn't really exist in a big way here. 179 00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,364 You never really had it, to be honest. 180 00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:00,975 We had it in Ireland. That was religion. 181 00:09:01,018 --> 00:09:02,454 What you had was a dressing-up box 182 00:09:02,498 --> 00:09:04,674 with some cardigans with holes in the elbows. 183 00:09:04,718 --> 00:09:07,982 Everybody would meet up and have some ginger nuts and sing a few tunes and go home. 184 00:09:08,025 --> 00:09:12,073 We had religion-- the thing that makes you feel bad from the moment you're awake. 185 00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:14,989 It's God squatting on the end of your bed 186 00:09:15,032 --> 00:09:18,166 with his fists pressed between your eyes, going, "Wake up, shitbag." 187 00:09:18,209 --> 00:09:19,776 That's religion. 188 00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:24,955 Now, that was a very confusing time for a lot of people. 189 00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:26,653 I grew up in the '70s in Ireland. 190 00:09:26,696 --> 00:09:29,046 It was intense, the religiosity of the whole country, you know. 191 00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:30,744 And it was confusing if you were young. 192 00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:32,528 I remember saying to my granny, 193 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:35,792 "Granny, how many priests do you have to blow to get into heaven?" 194 00:09:35,836 --> 00:09:38,882 And, of course, she was an older person. 195 00:09:38,926 --> 00:09:41,145 She didn't want to talk about these things. 196 00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:42,930 She would go, "Oh, stop it now. Eat your tea." 197 00:09:42,973 --> 00:09:44,975 But I was persistent. "Come on, Granny. How many?" 198 00:09:45,019 --> 00:09:47,587 And she'd go, "Oh! I hate putting a number on these things. 199 00:09:47,630 --> 00:09:49,850 About 40. Now, come on. Eat." 200 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:58,423 But that's not really around so much anymore. Religion. 201 00:09:58,467 --> 00:10:00,774 People are very pleased that religion doesn't exist. 202 00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:03,559 Secular people are delighted. They're thrilled with themselves. 203 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,300 Their material view of everything, 204 00:10:05,343 --> 00:10:08,608 congratulating themselves in the queue outside the Apple shop 205 00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:11,785 which lights up the street the way churches used to. 206 00:10:11,828 --> 00:10:15,440 Filing in there, feeling the shame shuffling in because they have the old phone. 207 00:10:15,484 --> 00:10:18,139 They go in there to be told how they're going to be liberated 208 00:10:18,182 --> 00:10:19,967 by the high priest who are all dressed in black 209 00:10:20,010 --> 00:10:21,403 with their piercings and ponytails 210 00:10:21,446 --> 00:10:23,840 who explain how the new pocket altar 211 00:10:23,884 --> 00:10:27,104 will release them from their earthly burdens. 212 00:10:27,148 --> 00:10:30,107 Now it's fox, pinker and homptown. 213 00:10:30,151 --> 00:10:32,370 You can upwind monkey fuck on trickle back. 214 00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:35,678 Oh, great. I didn't know what I was doing there for a while. 215 00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:38,681 You've completely set me free. Thank you so much. 216 00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:40,465 That's the new religion. My son comes in. 217 00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:42,729 He's completely excited. You know, he's 12 and everything. 218 00:10:42,772 --> 00:10:45,079 That whole generation's excited about all this technology. 219 00:10:45,122 --> 00:10:48,952 But he's ambiguous about it as well. He knows it's not real fun a lot of the time. 220 00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:51,825 But he goes, "You've got to see this game with this app. It's really interesting." 221 00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:53,957 I grab it off of him. I say, "Get out of here. 222 00:10:54,001 --> 00:10:56,786 Go and play. Go and fall out of a tree. Have a fight. 223 00:10:56,830 --> 00:10:58,658 Don't phone me until you've been arrested." 224 00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:01,748 Obviously on a landline from some station. Um-- 225 00:11:01,791 --> 00:11:04,489 "Come on, this is just gonna waste your time." 226 00:11:04,533 --> 00:11:06,056 Three hours later, "It's me." 227 00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:08,363 Stood there, going, "Ha ha ha-ha-ha!" 228 00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:12,149 On Candy Flaps, whatever the thing is. 229 00:11:13,368 --> 00:11:15,675 I looked it up recently. It was 1:00 in the morning. 230 00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:17,720 I thought, "What am I doing with my life?" 231 00:11:17,764 --> 00:11:20,201 Species are being wiped out. Glaciers are melting. 232 00:11:20,244 --> 00:11:23,378 Somewhere, somebody's eating a Swiss roll, and I'm doing this. 233 00:11:23,421 --> 00:11:26,207 What the fuck am I doing? 234 00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:28,470 You know, life is so brief. 235 00:11:28,513 --> 00:11:30,907 There are four ages of human being: 236 00:11:30,951 --> 00:11:33,257 child, failure, old and dead. 237 00:11:33,301 --> 00:11:37,218 That's it. That's all you have. 238 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:41,613 You have to-- You have to be here and enjoy it. 239 00:11:41,657 --> 00:11:43,572 So I said, "What am I doing?" 240 00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:46,618 And then I realized I had to get to level 19 or it would all be meaningless. 241 00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:51,493 Now, of course people want distraction. 242 00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:55,062 Of course we do. Because reality is pretty tough stuff. 243 00:11:55,105 --> 00:11:59,327 The news. You know, all that stuff-- the so-called Islamic State people. 244 00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:04,898 I tried to look for, you know, some bright points with these people. 245 00:12:04,941 --> 00:12:07,509 That's a bit of a struggle. At the beginning I was watching them. 246 00:12:07,552 --> 00:12:10,555 "Oh, come on, you scamps. Stop it now." 247 00:12:10,599 --> 00:12:12,296 But they don't even take weekends. 248 00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:14,603 Somebody needs to tell these people 249 00:12:14,646 --> 00:12:18,476 they are seriously interrupting brunch for a lot of people. 250 00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:21,697 You look at them and you think-- 251 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:25,005 Oh, my God, this is so bleak. This has got to be peak bleak. 252 00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:28,660 I can't-- I don't know who I am anymore. I can't stand this. 253 00:12:28,704 --> 00:12:33,404 You look at it. I don't even know which snack to eat with which war. 254 00:12:37,495 --> 00:12:40,542 Look, say what you like about fundamentalist death cults. 255 00:12:40,585 --> 00:12:43,197 They go very well with the heavier cheddars. 256 00:12:47,810 --> 00:12:52,597 But you do think, I don't know if I can take much more of this shit. 257 00:12:52,641 --> 00:12:54,556 I don't really watch the news anymore. 258 00:12:54,599 --> 00:12:57,602 I just have two old men sitting at the end of my room staring at each other. 259 00:12:57,646 --> 00:13:00,692 One the hour, every hour, one of them shouts at the other one, "Terrorist!" 260 00:13:00,736 --> 00:13:02,390 And the other one shouts, "Pedophile!" 261 00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:05,132 And then a woman walks in between them and says, "Rain expected." 262 00:13:07,308 --> 00:13:09,963 I've got it pretty much covered, I think. 263 00:13:12,704 --> 00:13:17,274 No wonder then that people look for other things to watch. 264 00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:20,321 You know? Television-- all kinds of shit, television. 265 00:13:20,364 --> 00:13:22,845 Television, which was invented in Scotland, of course. 266 00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:25,761 My Scottish wife-- we live in Scotland-- reminds me all the time 267 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,981 about all the amazing things Scotland has invented. 268 00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:31,723 It goes on and on. List of things that you depend on every single day of your life, 269 00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:33,160 you aren't even aware of. 270 00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:37,817 Monkeys, steam, paella, lightning, kung fu, pubic hair. 271 00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:40,123 The list is endless. And-- 272 00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:41,733 Golf. That's another one. 273 00:13:41,777 --> 00:13:43,866 Golf. You get that at the end of your working life. 274 00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:46,260 You've worked for 45, 50 years. That's your reward. 275 00:13:46,303 --> 00:13:50,046 You got to hit the tiny ball in the tiny hole four miles away behind a tree 276 00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:51,613 using a shoehorn. 277 00:13:51,656 --> 00:13:53,180 Well done, you. 278 00:13:54,094 --> 00:13:55,660 To show everyone how into it you are, 279 00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:58,881 you have to wear these sexually repellent clothes 280 00:13:58,925 --> 00:14:01,449 so they know just how hard you're avoiding your wife. 281 00:14:01,492 --> 00:14:02,885 Well done. 282 00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:07,107 But they also invented television 283 00:14:07,150 --> 00:14:09,718 which people are very addicted to in terms of distraction. 284 00:14:09,761 --> 00:14:13,200 You know, I started watching a lot of television 285 00:14:13,243 --> 00:14:16,899 in the last couple-- in the last year or so 'cause I gave up smoking, okay? 286 00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:18,553 [applause]Thank you very much. 287 00:14:18,596 --> 00:14:20,947 But the thing of it is-- That's the thing-- That's-- 288 00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:23,340 That revealed to me how exposed I was. 289 00:14:23,384 --> 00:14:25,473 'Cause it's a prop. You depend on something. 290 00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:28,955 You're putting something in your mouth all the time. It's a screen against the world. 291 00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:32,262 And I suddenly felt incredibly alone and depressed. 292 00:14:32,306 --> 00:14:34,569 But it's okay. We can talk about depression now. That's okay. 293 00:14:34,612 --> 00:14:37,267 Because of all the lovely celebrities who've come on 294 00:14:37,311 --> 00:14:38,878 and talked about their therapies and treatments. 295 00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:41,445 They've normalized it. It's fine now. You can talk about it. 296 00:14:41,489 --> 00:14:43,708 Although I did notice when they were talking about it, 297 00:14:43,752 --> 00:14:47,538 I felt the same way I feel when I listen to my own friends talk about their depression 298 00:14:47,582 --> 00:14:50,890 which is, "You don't know what you're fucking talking about. 299 00:14:50,933 --> 00:14:54,371 My self-loathing is much worse than yours. 300 00:14:54,415 --> 00:14:55,895 What's that you say? 301 00:14:55,938 --> 00:14:58,375 Face down in a pool of Coco Pops all day Wednesday? 302 00:14:58,419 --> 00:15:00,856 I wish I had the strength for that." 303 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,379 Um-- 304 00:15:05,992 --> 00:15:07,602 But it's good to be able to talk about it. 305 00:15:07,645 --> 00:15:10,953 And then, of course you get depressed. Of course you get depressed. 306 00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:13,956 Look, life is hard sometimes. You know? 307 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,827 That's why we don't wanna spend time alone. 308 00:15:15,871 --> 00:15:18,787 Some of you came here alone and will return home alone. And that's okay. 309 00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:20,484 But most people are trying to avoid that 310 00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:22,312 'cause they're afraid of their own thoughts. 311 00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:24,358 Have you ever had a bath? 312 00:15:25,576 --> 00:15:28,797 That goes on a bit too long, doesn't it? 313 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:32,714 By the end of that, you think, "Get me out of here. That's enough. Get me out! 314 00:15:32,757 --> 00:15:37,023 I'm alone and I'm wet. I have to dry myself. I hate this bit." 315 00:15:37,066 --> 00:15:38,807 So tedious. 316 00:15:38,850 --> 00:15:41,679 Why do I have to manage all this pork? And then-- 317 00:15:45,814 --> 00:15:47,859 I don't even remember what I was talking about now. 318 00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:51,559 I suppose it doesn't really matter. We're just talking. Um-- 319 00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:56,825 Oh, distraction. That's it. And then-- I don't know where the reminder came from. 320 00:15:56,868 --> 00:15:58,305 But the, um-- 321 00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:01,047 That's something that people do. 322 00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:05,181 Drink, drugs, food, shit television. 323 00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:06,835 Amazingly shit television. 324 00:16:06,878 --> 00:16:08,968 The things people watch in this country. 325 00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:11,840 Everybody goes on about how Britain makes the best television in the world. 326 00:16:11,883 --> 00:16:14,495 It does. But David Attenborough is not responsible for everything. 327 00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:19,021 So there's some extraordinary crap out there. 328 00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:21,197 The thing-- The baking thing. 329 00:16:21,241 --> 00:16:23,330 People are baking and they're talking about it. 330 00:16:23,373 --> 00:16:26,072 Baking, bake, bake up. 331 00:16:27,682 --> 00:16:29,466 That thing. Cake is a beautiful thing. 332 00:16:29,510 --> 00:16:31,555 Why fuck it up by talking about it? 333 00:16:32,774 --> 00:16:35,516 The whole point of cake is to shut people up. 334 00:16:37,126 --> 00:16:39,824 Cake, it's a semi-religious moment. 335 00:16:39,868 --> 00:16:43,002 You don't ruin it by standing there and going, "I use cream and sugar and--" 336 00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:45,004 Shut up and eat it! 337 00:16:46,092 --> 00:16:47,963 What's the other one? 338 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:50,922 You must dance-- dance with the old man. 339 00:16:52,141 --> 00:16:54,926 Get in and dance with the corpse. That one. 340 00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:58,321 Who-- What genius came up with this? 341 00:16:58,365 --> 00:17:00,323 And people are watching this. 342 00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,325 What's wrong with them? 343 00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:05,024 Look at the austerity, the cutbacks, the schools, 344 00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:07,026 the funding for hospitals and all that stuff. 345 00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:09,680 If you wanna cut stuff back, shut that shit down. 346 00:17:09,724 --> 00:17:12,988 If you absolutely have to watch something that stupid-- 347 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,816 - [applause] - Wait. 348 00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:18,254 If you have to see something-- 349 00:17:18,298 --> 00:17:21,997 If you need to zone out of your own life so badly, save the money. 350 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:25,087 Just draw some smiley faces on cocktail sausages, 351 00:17:25,131 --> 00:17:29,222 cram them into Christmas decorations and rattle them on a tray. 352 00:17:31,746 --> 00:17:33,661 People will watch anything. 353 00:17:33,704 --> 00:17:36,838 I travel around in these hotels, turning on the telly looking for local news, 354 00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:38,666 and Jeremy Kyle comes on. 355 00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:41,103 Who's watching this horrible man? 356 00:17:41,147 --> 00:17:44,759 Somebody-- He's like a drunk seagull... 357 00:17:45,803 --> 00:17:48,937 battering pregnant voles with his beak. 358 00:17:48,980 --> 00:17:52,767 "You did, didn't you? You fucking did. You did." 359 00:17:54,551 --> 00:17:58,425 He should be strapped to the front of a fast car and driven into a big hole. 360 00:17:58,468 --> 00:18:00,818 But-- 361 00:18:00,862 --> 00:18:03,038 [applause]The-- The-- Wait. No, stop. Hang on. 362 00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,474 Sorry. Wait. 363 00:18:04,518 --> 00:18:06,911 The whole clapping thing is great for you. 364 00:18:06,955 --> 00:18:10,480 I know you're there, okay? I know. 365 00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:12,395 If you-- You're annoying me now. 366 00:18:12,439 --> 00:18:14,745 If you're enjoying this, just give each other a hug. 367 00:18:14,789 --> 00:18:16,356 Okay? I don't-- 368 00:18:17,792 --> 00:18:21,404 'Cause I talk quickly. If you clap, I'll forget stuff. 369 00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:26,192 Okay? And the laughing also, we could take that down a bit. 370 00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:29,934 People will watch anything! 371 00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:31,675 Twilight. 372 00:18:31,719 --> 00:18:35,636 Pale teenagers sucking the lifeblood out of everybody around them. 373 00:18:35,679 --> 00:18:38,465 Where is the escapism in this? 374 00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:43,165 Anything! Game of Thrones. 375 00:18:43,209 --> 00:18:47,474 Which has been running for 35 years by my calculation. I can't look at that. 376 00:18:47,517 --> 00:18:53,001 I can't watch the little hunchback man put on the amulets and the thongs 377 00:18:53,044 --> 00:18:55,917 and the swords and the helmets and the pelmets and the cloak 378 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:59,094 and the daggers and the necklace of dead crows' arseholes 379 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,618 just to crawl up the hill and go, "The boats are coming!" 380 00:19:01,662 --> 00:19:04,447 Oh, please. Do something with your life. 381 00:19:07,276 --> 00:19:09,670 People engage with this stuff 382 00:19:09,713 --> 00:19:13,021 'cause it's easier than talking to the people they live with. 383 00:19:13,064 --> 00:19:15,066 You know? It's not so intense. 384 00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:16,677 House of Cards or whatever, 385 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,331 Francis Underwood isn't gonna turn around to you 386 00:19:18,374 --> 00:19:21,812 and go, "Why did you eat all the ham in the fridge, you fat fuck?" 387 00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:28,645 You know, you watch these things for years. 388 00:19:30,125 --> 00:19:31,692 So that's what I was doing when I wasn't smoking. 389 00:19:31,735 --> 00:19:34,173 I was watching tel-- I did some of these drawings as well. 390 00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:36,436 'Cause you have to do something with your hands, you know. 391 00:19:36,479 --> 00:19:39,743 And you can't masturbate all day long. I mean, that's-- 392 00:19:39,787 --> 00:19:41,702 You know, it's easier if you're a woman or something. 393 00:19:41,745 --> 00:19:43,834 You just hook yourself up to a clock radio or something 394 00:19:43,878 --> 00:19:46,533 and wait till it goes "ding" and you're done. 395 00:19:46,576 --> 00:19:48,187 If you're a guy, it's complicated. 396 00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:50,667 You have to get tarpaulin and ropes and secure the perimeter. 397 00:19:50,711 --> 00:19:53,017 I don't wanna get involved in all that shit, so-- 398 00:19:55,498 --> 00:20:00,199 The-- But mainly what I was doing I was watching a lot of television. 399 00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:02,418 A lot of television. And I realize 400 00:20:02,462 --> 00:20:04,681 you sort of absorb voices from around the world anyway. 401 00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:07,467 That's why the people who are trying to keep people out of countries, 402 00:20:07,510 --> 00:20:09,947 they're really not going to succeed long-term. 403 00:20:09,991 --> 00:20:11,775 Because not only is everybody everywhere. 404 00:20:11,819 --> 00:20:14,909 You're globalized. They're in your head. All these voices. 405 00:20:14,952 --> 00:20:17,825 Little cartoon representations of all the cultures in the world. 406 00:20:17,868 --> 00:20:20,306 I realized this, 'cause I did one of these drawings one day, 407 00:20:20,349 --> 00:20:22,438 and I thought-- I was quite pleased with one of them. 408 00:20:22,482 --> 00:20:25,136 And I found out I have an African-American man inside me. 409 00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:27,835 I didn't know this, but I do, 'cause I did one of the drawings. 410 00:20:27,878 --> 00:20:29,532 And before I knew this or thought it, 411 00:20:29,576 --> 00:20:31,404 I heard myself say, "They're pretty." 412 00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:33,406 Now, I didn't know that was gonna happen. 413 00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:38,454 But the point is, all the people are in there. You have a crew in there. 414 00:20:38,498 --> 00:20:41,588 When I was eating in the house, 415 00:20:41,631 --> 00:20:44,547 I was eating all the time, all the time. 416 00:20:44,591 --> 00:20:46,636 And I knew this. It was sort of building up. 417 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,160 I began eating on a soft of-- pretty much a semi-professional basis. 418 00:20:49,204 --> 00:20:50,814 I would wake up. 419 00:20:50,858 --> 00:20:53,948 It was like I was being sponsored by rival teams of scientists 420 00:20:53,991 --> 00:20:57,995 trying to see was it possible to eat with your left and right hands all day and night. 421 00:20:58,039 --> 00:21:00,563 And it is. It's a question of focus. You have to commit. 422 00:21:00,607 --> 00:21:03,479 I was walking around putting things in my mouth. 423 00:21:03,523 --> 00:21:06,177 'Cause it's comforting. I mean, babies know this. 424 00:21:06,221 --> 00:21:08,005 They come out. They look around. 425 00:21:08,049 --> 00:21:10,443 They see it's a stressful world. They go-- [baby talk]. 426 00:21:10,486 --> 00:21:12,358 And they go to the breast and they stay there. 427 00:21:12,401 --> 00:21:14,403 They don't take calls or meetings or anything. 428 00:21:14,447 --> 00:21:17,798 They just go, "I don't wanna hear about it. Num-num-num-num-num-num-num. 429 00:21:17,841 --> 00:21:20,235 This is all. I don't like. Num-num-num-num. 430 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,716 I understand this. The rest of it I'm not so sure." 431 00:21:22,759 --> 00:21:26,981 We should have a giant tit on the wall of every office in the country. 432 00:21:27,024 --> 00:21:28,678 If you get stressed out, 433 00:21:28,722 --> 00:21:31,333 you can just zip your desk over there, your whole chair and desk, 434 00:21:31,377 --> 00:21:34,684 and go, "I hate Peter. Num-num-num-num-num-num. 435 00:21:34,728 --> 00:21:38,645 The fucking printer is out of ink again, for fuck's sake. Num-num-num." 436 00:21:40,473 --> 00:21:42,126 It calms you down. 437 00:21:42,170 --> 00:21:44,085 Putting things in your mouth calms you down. 438 00:21:44,128 --> 00:21:47,741 And most of the great times in your life were about putting things in your mouth. 439 00:21:49,351 --> 00:21:52,223 A lot of the time. You know, it goes all your life. 440 00:21:52,267 --> 00:21:54,530 Not just food, but drinks and alcoholic drinks 441 00:21:54,574 --> 00:21:57,054 and cigarettes and body parts of people you admire. 442 00:21:57,098 --> 00:21:59,187 Sometimes all at the same time. 443 00:22:00,231 --> 00:22:02,408 Some mashed potato and vodka martini. 444 00:22:02,451 --> 00:22:04,845 "Hey, you busy?" You know. 445 00:22:06,586 --> 00:22:10,024 It's calming. And of course I started getting fat. 446 00:22:10,067 --> 00:22:11,504 And that's what happens. 447 00:22:11,547 --> 00:22:14,420 I started creeping up on myself from behind and around. 448 00:22:15,551 --> 00:22:18,380 Getting cuddly in all the wrong places. 449 00:22:18,424 --> 00:22:21,296 Nobody wants cuddly eyes. Nobody. 450 00:22:23,167 --> 00:22:25,213 I was deluding myself as well. 451 00:22:25,256 --> 00:22:27,520 'Cause I was telling myself it's culture. 452 00:22:27,563 --> 00:22:29,130 That's just part of culture, you know. 453 00:22:29,173 --> 00:22:31,611 You can pretend it's cultural by having lots of cheese and wine 454 00:22:31,654 --> 00:22:33,830 and asking where everything is from. 455 00:22:35,310 --> 00:22:37,312 Great big pile of stinking cheese there. 456 00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:39,662 "And where is the cheese from?" 457 00:22:39,706 --> 00:22:42,752 Who cares where it's from? It's here now. 458 00:22:42,796 --> 00:22:44,798 People are fleeing the building. 459 00:22:44,841 --> 00:22:46,365 Windows are melting. 460 00:22:46,408 --> 00:22:49,193 Eat the shit before it kills us all, will you? 461 00:22:49,237 --> 00:22:50,891 "No, I have to know where it's from. 462 00:22:50,934 --> 00:22:53,807 Oh, the Catalan Cave cows. Oh, I love them. 463 00:22:55,069 --> 00:22:58,942 They're so musical. Thank you so much." [chomping] 464 00:22:58,986 --> 00:23:02,424 Eating all the time. Walking around eating. 465 00:23:02,468 --> 00:23:06,472 I had a drone of self-disgust watching me at all times 466 00:23:06,515 --> 00:23:11,172 as I was annihilating any possible moments of thought by eating all the time. 467 00:23:11,215 --> 00:23:13,304 "Look at him. Look at him. He's buttering something 468 00:23:13,348 --> 00:23:16,351 as he's still chewing the other thing." 469 00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:18,266 How disgusting can I get? 470 00:23:18,309 --> 00:23:22,357 I'm preparing for the next oral event, even though I'm still in one. 471 00:23:22,401 --> 00:23:24,185 Oh, God, I'm disgusting. 472 00:23:24,228 --> 00:23:27,928 Look at me. I make sex noises from the strain of buttering the toast. 473 00:23:27,971 --> 00:23:30,844 [grunting] 474 00:23:30,887 --> 00:23:34,630 I am vile. "Quick! Your wife is coming! Hide! Take the hummus." 475 00:23:34,674 --> 00:23:36,197 And, um-- 476 00:23:39,113 --> 00:23:41,463 So disgusting to yourself. It's terrible. 477 00:23:41,507 --> 00:23:42,986 This is how religion must have started. 478 00:23:43,030 --> 00:23:46,425 In early cave times somebody had a tiramisu all to themselves. 479 00:23:46,468 --> 00:23:49,689 They finished it and they hung around going, "Oh, God, I'm so disgusting." 480 00:23:49,732 --> 00:23:53,388 And somebody came around the corner and said, "God thinks so too." 481 00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:57,436 "Oh, really? Can I meet him?" "No, I'll tell you what he thinks. Just give me money." 482 00:23:57,479 --> 00:23:58,872 That's how it began. 483 00:23:58,915 --> 00:24:03,616 So-- All the time, all the time, all the time. 484 00:24:03,659 --> 00:24:06,314 Ah, uh, you know-- 'Cause the mouth is just-- 485 00:24:06,357 --> 00:24:08,011 It's good to put things in there. 486 00:24:08,055 --> 00:24:10,231 The ear-- you can kill half an hour putting things in your ear, 487 00:24:10,274 --> 00:24:11,798 tops really. 488 00:24:11,841 --> 00:24:14,061 If you use every available orifice and you were the friend, 489 00:24:14,104 --> 00:24:15,541 maybe two hours, tops. 490 00:24:15,584 --> 00:24:17,934 But once one of you has the dodecahedron up there 491 00:24:17,978 --> 00:24:22,156 and the other one has the triangle, it's time to hit town and get lunch, so-- 492 00:24:24,201 --> 00:24:28,162 But I was deluded. I was deluded by my own snobbery. 493 00:24:28,205 --> 00:24:31,078 'Cause I kept telling myself, "Well, I'm getting there. I'm getting a bit fat." 494 00:24:31,121 --> 00:24:32,558 I am. That's the way it is. 495 00:24:32,601 --> 00:24:34,951 But I'm still-- I'm interesting fat. I'm European fat. 496 00:24:34,995 --> 00:24:38,825 This is interesting, existential, detective, delicatessen fat. 497 00:24:38,868 --> 00:24:42,393 Somebody wandering around, moodily chewing on a piece of prosciutto 498 00:24:42,437 --> 00:24:46,528 as they wander down to the docks to see if the doughnut boats are in. 499 00:24:46,572 --> 00:24:48,095 It's not like I'm American fat. 500 00:24:48,138 --> 00:24:50,271 I'm not one of those guys, one of those huge people 501 00:24:50,314 --> 00:24:53,579 that wouldn't even know if they had a monkey hanging from their cock. 502 00:24:53,622 --> 00:24:58,409 Too busy blodging around going, "Is there any more? 503 00:24:58,453 --> 00:25:03,066 Any more cheese? I just wanna it eat until I can feel my heart beating in my face." 504 00:25:03,110 --> 00:25:04,590 Um-- 505 00:25:07,331 --> 00:25:09,116 But, you know, it just comes. 506 00:25:09,159 --> 00:25:11,553 It just comes to you anyway. 507 00:25:11,597 --> 00:25:13,424 You suddenly get seriously uncool. 508 00:25:13,468 --> 00:25:15,339 That's how age functions. 509 00:25:15,383 --> 00:25:18,691 Everything is sort of the same. Everything is the same for ages, you know. 510 00:25:18,734 --> 00:25:20,867 It's like you're there and you're talking to your friend 511 00:25:20,910 --> 00:25:23,609 and you're going, "Yeah, yeah. Anyway, we did this and we did that." 512 00:25:23,652 --> 00:25:26,437 And Madonna is there reassuringly in the background going-- 513 00:25:26,481 --> 00:25:28,570 ♪ Like a virgin 514 00:25:28,614 --> 00:25:31,530 [moaning] 515 00:25:31,573 --> 00:25:33,619 And then you turn around 516 00:25:33,662 --> 00:25:38,232 and suddenly it's Nicki Minaj going, "Ha ha ha ha!" 517 00:25:38,275 --> 00:25:40,582 It's a totally different kind of poetry, and you just-- 518 00:25:40,626 --> 00:25:42,497 The world has changed around you. 519 00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:44,847 And you are older. Older. 520 00:25:44,891 --> 00:25:47,937 Because the middle-age bus arrives. 521 00:25:47,981 --> 00:25:51,114 Nobody knows it. Nobody wants to get on. It just comes for you. 522 00:25:51,158 --> 00:25:54,248 It screeches to a halt right beside you. It's time to get on. 523 00:25:54,291 --> 00:25:57,730 Everybody gets on resisting going, "Not me. I'm too young. 524 00:25:57,773 --> 00:25:59,775 I don't wanna get interested in architecture. 525 00:25:59,819 --> 00:26:01,647 Please, not yet. 526 00:26:01,690 --> 00:26:05,999 Oh, look. An inscription. Ah, it's happening. Help me, somebody." 527 00:26:06,042 --> 00:26:08,610 And then you're taken away to become a different person. 528 00:26:08,654 --> 00:26:10,394 And it's alienating and frightening 529 00:26:10,438 --> 00:26:13,572 because you start liking things you don't like. 530 00:26:14,355 --> 00:26:17,619 Quiet music. Mmm. 531 00:26:17,663 --> 00:26:21,231 "Put that-- Put that Bublé bullshit on again. I really like that." 532 00:26:21,275 --> 00:26:24,670 You've never liked it before. Now you're going-- ♪♪ [humming] 533 00:26:26,236 --> 00:26:29,588 Serial-killer music. That's what's happening in a serial killer's head 534 00:26:29,631 --> 00:26:31,241 when they're sawing somebody else's off. 535 00:26:31,285 --> 00:26:34,331 ♪♪ [humming] 536 00:26:36,638 --> 00:26:39,119 Ripping the spine out, playing Jenga with the vertebrae. 537 00:26:39,162 --> 00:26:41,512 ♪♪ [humming] 538 00:26:43,427 --> 00:26:46,779 Vaginating the bladder and making a hat. Let's not get into details. 539 00:26:49,956 --> 00:26:52,436 Things appeal to you that used to disgust you. 540 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:55,483 Why else do people vote conservative? 541 00:26:55,526 --> 00:26:57,659 That must be what happens. 542 00:26:57,703 --> 00:26:59,618 It must be what happens to people. 543 00:27:02,316 --> 00:27:06,102 'Cause they suddenly get-- They start getting attracted to the semi-repellent thing. 544 00:27:06,146 --> 00:27:10,324 It's like the really strong cheese and conservatism are basically the same thing. 545 00:27:10,367 --> 00:27:11,804 Um-- 546 00:27:13,153 --> 00:27:16,286 A cruise-- the idea of a cruise. 547 00:27:16,330 --> 00:27:20,551 That would have made you just vomit all over yourself. 548 00:27:20,595 --> 00:27:23,859 Then suddenly you're going, "Oh, yeah. Travel without moving. I'm in." 549 00:27:25,078 --> 00:27:26,819 I can just be there like a starfish. 550 00:27:26,862 --> 00:27:29,299 Every hour and a half somebody will come and pour gravy all over me. 551 00:27:29,343 --> 00:27:32,215 "Yeah! Where do I sign?" 552 00:27:34,261 --> 00:27:37,133 So, yeah, you become this older person, and it is quite odd. 553 00:27:37,177 --> 00:27:40,354 And you can feel young people judging you to a degree. 554 00:27:40,397 --> 00:27:43,052 'Cause I'm at the other end of the telescope now. 555 00:27:43,096 --> 00:27:45,141 I remember-- A lot of young people are here. 556 00:27:45,185 --> 00:27:47,622 I remember being in my 20s, looking at people my age 557 00:27:47,666 --> 00:27:50,451 going, "What is wrong with those people? 558 00:27:50,494 --> 00:27:54,063 Why are they so weird? Why are they so shapeless and sexless? 559 00:27:54,107 --> 00:27:58,154 Why do they talk about renewing their car insurance for 45 minutes? 560 00:27:58,198 --> 00:28:01,244 What the-- What the fuck are they up to? 561 00:28:01,288 --> 00:28:03,812 They must be-- They must be smarter than that. What are they doing? 562 00:28:03,856 --> 00:28:07,337 Why are they so deliberately bland?" 563 00:28:07,381 --> 00:28:11,211 Well, now I'm here. I can tell you what's going on. This is what's going on. 564 00:28:11,254 --> 00:28:13,517 Death becomes real. 565 00:28:14,649 --> 00:28:17,391 And you think maybe he won't notice me 566 00:28:17,434 --> 00:28:20,133 if I don't experience anything intensely. 567 00:28:21,612 --> 00:28:24,137 You just-- All the gestures you used to have, 568 00:28:24,180 --> 00:28:27,575 all the big denunciations and accusations and declarations, 569 00:28:27,618 --> 00:28:33,146 all the "you and me and that" suddenly just becomes, "Mm-hmm, yeah, I know, kind of, yeah." 570 00:28:33,189 --> 00:28:34,930 And-- 571 00:28:34,974 --> 00:28:39,108 He can't kill you if you're not properly alive, can he? Um-- 572 00:28:41,241 --> 00:28:42,503 So-- 573 00:28:43,852 --> 00:28:45,462 That's why. 574 00:28:45,506 --> 00:28:47,160 I went to, um-- 575 00:28:47,203 --> 00:28:51,077 When I was eating all the time professionally, I would, uh-- 576 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:52,818 My wife was really good about it. 577 00:28:52,861 --> 00:28:54,950 She didn't refer-- never called it my stomach or anything. 578 00:28:54,994 --> 00:28:57,213 She would just sometimes mention "the situation." 579 00:28:57,257 --> 00:28:59,085 And, um-- 580 00:28:59,128 --> 00:29:01,391 Sometimes she would say, "Why don't you take the situation for a walk?" 581 00:29:01,435 --> 00:29:04,307 So I would go to the supermarket, 582 00:29:04,351 --> 00:29:07,006 'cause you can eat there and nobody stops you. 583 00:29:07,049 --> 00:29:11,184 'Cause if anybody comes up to you, you can just go, "Fuck off. I'm gonna buy it." 584 00:29:13,403 --> 00:29:16,493 And actually when I was there, I found another voice inside me. 585 00:29:16,537 --> 00:29:20,106 This spirit guide. This elderly lady. 586 00:29:20,149 --> 00:29:21,716 And she looked after me. 587 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,458 I think she was Asian. But the main thing is she was wise. 588 00:29:24,501 --> 00:29:26,939 'Cause when I was reaching out for the thing I really wanted-- 589 00:29:26,982 --> 00:29:29,593 the honey nut cluster fudge fuck bomb 590 00:29:29,637 --> 00:29:35,034 or the lemon coconut apocalypse ripple 591 00:29:35,077 --> 00:29:38,254 yum face dish, whatever it was. 592 00:29:38,298 --> 00:29:40,822 When I was reaching out, she would leap into my frontal cortex 593 00:29:40,866 --> 00:29:43,042 and scream at me-- [Asian accent] "It's not for you! 594 00:29:43,085 --> 00:29:47,176 It's not for you! Walk away! You go salad bar or some shit like that! 595 00:29:47,220 --> 00:29:50,092 Leave for other people, fatty!" 596 00:29:50,136 --> 00:29:52,573 She was there for me. 597 00:29:56,185 --> 00:30:00,102 More proof, if we needed any, that you need a team inside you. 598 00:30:03,453 --> 00:30:06,761 But you can't go to the supermarket all the time. Not all the time. 599 00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:10,460 So one day I went to the art gallery. 600 00:30:10,504 --> 00:30:13,637 And there was this old man there by himself. 601 00:30:13,681 --> 00:30:15,770 And he was sort of quite striking. 602 00:30:15,814 --> 00:30:20,079 He was carefully dressed and looking at the work and walking around. 603 00:30:20,122 --> 00:30:22,037 Obviously, just having his own experience. 604 00:30:22,081 --> 00:30:26,694 I'm sort of moved by him 'cause I thought he looked quite elderly and alone. 605 00:30:26,737 --> 00:30:28,261 And I thought, "Oh, wow. That's great." 606 00:30:28,304 --> 00:30:30,437 He's out and he's registering his own responses. 607 00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:33,527 That's how, you know, you should be living when you're older. 608 00:30:33,570 --> 00:30:35,355 And then he turned around and he saw me, 609 00:30:35,398 --> 00:30:38,488 and he sort of had this wrinkle of disgust on his face and moved away. 610 00:30:38,532 --> 00:30:41,317 Because I was wearing these crappy cutoff jean things, 611 00:30:41,361 --> 00:30:44,799 the sort of things you paint a house in or bury a dog in. 612 00:30:44,843 --> 00:30:47,541 And I had on these odd socks-- a blue sock and a brown sock-- 613 00:30:47,584 --> 00:30:49,499 'cause I wasn't paying attention when I was dressing. 614 00:30:49,543 --> 00:30:53,939 And I cut the tops of the socks so my circulation still works. 615 00:30:53,982 --> 00:30:56,811 And I had some rubbish T-shirt on with stains and things. 616 00:30:56,855 --> 00:31:00,293 I didn't look, you know, as incredibly stylish as I do now. 617 00:31:00,336 --> 00:31:04,775 And he, um-- he just sort of thought that maybe I was wandering around, 618 00:31:04,819 --> 00:31:06,429 and he went away. 619 00:31:06,473 --> 00:31:09,606 And then this beautiful couple came in-- 620 00:31:09,650 --> 00:31:11,304 people in their late 20s roughly. 621 00:31:11,347 --> 00:31:13,523 And they were, you know, tall, elegant people. 622 00:31:13,567 --> 00:31:16,178 Lots of cheekbones and four elbows each 623 00:31:16,222 --> 00:31:19,486 and long and sinuous and elegant and wafting around, 624 00:31:19,529 --> 00:31:20,922 looking at the stuff. 625 00:31:20,966 --> 00:31:23,490 And then I saw them elbow each other 626 00:31:23,533 --> 00:31:26,232 and sort of point over in my direction. 627 00:31:26,275 --> 00:31:28,451 And they were sniggering, and then they disappeared. 628 00:31:28,495 --> 00:31:30,540 And I thought, you know, "Well, they're young. 629 00:31:30,584 --> 00:31:33,326 It doesn't matter. I'm a mature person. That kind of thing doesn't bother me." 630 00:31:33,369 --> 00:31:37,243 But I'm not a mature person, and it did bother me. 631 00:31:37,286 --> 00:31:39,027 And I really wanted to find the young man again 632 00:31:39,071 --> 00:31:42,596 so I can tell him, "Listen, this, all this, 633 00:31:42,639 --> 00:31:45,773 do you think anyone chooses this? 634 00:31:45,816 --> 00:31:47,731 This just comes. 635 00:31:47,775 --> 00:31:49,951 This is for free. 636 00:31:49,995 --> 00:31:52,954 This is the future. It belongs to you. 637 00:31:52,998 --> 00:31:56,305 Right now you're walking around this art gallery with this beautiful young woman 638 00:31:56,349 --> 00:31:59,352 and you're talking about these paintings and how they make you feel, 639 00:31:59,395 --> 00:32:01,180 and she's listening. 640 00:32:01,223 --> 00:32:04,487 You have peaked as a human being, believe me. 641 00:32:04,531 --> 00:32:07,186 It doesn't get any better than that. 642 00:32:07,229 --> 00:32:10,711 You-- You don't know anything. Nobody chooses this." 643 00:32:10,754 --> 00:32:14,933 I didn't ask for one tit to be bigger than the other. I really didn't. 644 00:32:14,976 --> 00:32:20,242 I never dreamed that one day I'd be sitting on my own couch with my one huge ab... 645 00:32:22,244 --> 00:32:25,944 covered in crumbs, listening to the sound of my own mouth breathing, 646 00:32:25,987 --> 00:32:28,076 idly watching Dragons' Den, 647 00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:31,297 the invention program thing where somebody comes around and they pitch ideas, 648 00:32:31,340 --> 00:32:35,518 waiting for the genius who will finally walk in with the discreet spatula, 649 00:32:35,562 --> 00:32:37,477 the thing you thread through the arm of your jacket 650 00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:39,218 that goes all down through your clothes 651 00:32:39,261 --> 00:32:41,568 and dislodges your bollocks from the side of your thigh 652 00:32:41,611 --> 00:32:44,832 when you're standing in the supermarket queue so you don't have to do this. 653 00:32:44,875 --> 00:32:47,226 'Hey, Mrs. Johnson, how's it going?' 654 00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:51,665 But he hasn't appeared. 655 00:32:51,708 --> 00:32:54,102 That particular genius hasn't showed up yet. 656 00:32:55,190 --> 00:32:56,626 Men are still not free. 657 00:32:56,670 --> 00:32:58,411 One day somebody will figure out 658 00:32:58,454 --> 00:33:01,544 how to quietly peel the octopus from the wall of the aquarium tank. 659 00:33:01,588 --> 00:33:03,155 But not yet! 660 00:33:06,941 --> 00:33:10,292 I didn't ask for any of this, Sonny Jim. 661 00:33:10,336 --> 00:33:12,642 Okay? 662 00:33:12,686 --> 00:33:15,428 You sit around on Sunday mornings propped up on your elbow, 663 00:33:15,471 --> 00:33:16,951 looking at your beautiful girlfriend 664 00:33:16,995 --> 00:33:20,824 brushing crumbs of toast from her beautiful breasts, 665 00:33:20,868 --> 00:33:23,392 with her coppery hair falling all around her shoulders, 666 00:33:23,436 --> 00:33:26,004 and she's looking at you, thinking, you know, 667 00:33:26,047 --> 00:33:30,443 when are you gonna get a job as you talk about your fucking start-ups and your pop-ups... 668 00:33:30,486 --> 00:33:32,053 and the organic runway 669 00:33:32,097 --> 00:33:34,142 and how you're the eyes inside the bleeding edge of the cloud 670 00:33:34,186 --> 00:33:37,493 and you're gonna deep dive your own dot bomb and all that shit. 671 00:33:37,537 --> 00:33:40,801 And she's thinking when is this guy ever gonna earn any money, 672 00:33:40,844 --> 00:33:43,325 or am I gonna pay the rent by myself till we're both dead. 673 00:33:43,369 --> 00:33:44,805 Is that the deal? 674 00:33:44,848 --> 00:33:47,068 And a few years later, you'll have a child 675 00:33:47,112 --> 00:33:48,939 and she'll walk up to you one day after an argument 676 00:33:48,983 --> 00:33:51,246 and say, "Hold the kid. I'm going for a walk." 677 00:33:51,290 --> 00:33:53,509 And you won't be sure if she's ever gonna come back. 678 00:33:53,553 --> 00:33:56,164 And then a little while after that, you'll start waking up in the morning 679 00:33:56,208 --> 00:33:57,948 and putting your hand in the sock drawer 680 00:33:57,992 --> 00:34:00,081 and pulling out and putting on whatever's in there, 681 00:34:00,125 --> 00:34:03,041 as long as it's not a bra or the torso of an action figure. 682 00:34:04,607 --> 00:34:07,610 You don't need a bra anyway 'cause your T-shirt has ridden up overnight 683 00:34:07,654 --> 00:34:10,265 and sits nice and snugly there where you need it. 684 00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:15,401 You'll just be glad to be alive. 685 00:34:15,444 --> 00:34:17,098 You don't know anything right now. 686 00:34:17,142 --> 00:34:20,014 All you know is romance. That's the easy stuff. 687 00:34:20,058 --> 00:34:23,757 Standing around your loft apartment, you're both dressed in white, 688 00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:26,934 throwing each other annoying looks all day long. 689 00:34:26,977 --> 00:34:30,416 The cats are walking over the piano 690 00:34:30,459 --> 00:34:31,895 and giving each other more annoying looks-- 691 00:34:31,939 --> 00:34:34,202 "Oh, I know you, you know me, I know you. 692 00:34:34,246 --> 00:34:35,638 We have made love 10 minutes ago. 693 00:34:35,682 --> 00:34:37,684 We'll probably do it again in another 10 minutes. 694 00:34:37,727 --> 00:34:40,034 I know you and your crazy genitals." 695 00:34:41,775 --> 00:34:45,387 The cats are drinking espressos and reading the Sunday supplements. 696 00:34:47,128 --> 00:34:49,130 Let me tell you something. When you really know somebody-- 697 00:34:49,174 --> 00:34:52,699 When you both really know each other, you don't look at each other at all. 698 00:34:52,742 --> 00:34:56,877 You don't need to. You can feel each other walking into the postcode. 699 00:34:58,792 --> 00:35:03,188 It's like that old song, "Why do birds suddenly burst into flames?" 700 00:35:03,231 --> 00:35:07,844 I'm talking about love, not romance. 701 00:35:07,888 --> 00:35:12,153 The thing that makes you grip your own skull and scream for death. 702 00:35:13,633 --> 00:35:15,939 And then look up and say, "Coming!" 703 00:35:18,812 --> 00:35:21,162 That special something that gives you the energy 704 00:35:21,206 --> 00:35:24,818 to go and pick scatter cushions with another human being. 705 00:35:24,861 --> 00:35:28,474 Even though you have no clear conception of what a scatter cushion might be 706 00:35:28,517 --> 00:35:31,868 or why anybody would buy a cushion and throw it away. 707 00:35:31,912 --> 00:35:34,219 You agree to do this even though the person you are doing it with 708 00:35:34,262 --> 00:35:37,178 has an inhuman degree of refinement in the act of choosing. 709 00:35:37,222 --> 00:35:39,180 And they look at you with an intense face 710 00:35:39,224 --> 00:35:43,010 and say, "What about this one? Do you think it's green enough to be green, green?" 711 00:35:43,053 --> 00:35:46,709 Is that even a question? Can that be answered? I don't know. 712 00:35:46,753 --> 00:35:50,191 "What about this? Do you think the waffles underneath it are creepy? 713 00:35:50,235 --> 00:35:52,106 Feel them." I'm feeling them. I'm feeling them. 714 00:35:52,150 --> 00:35:54,717 "Are they creepy waffles?" 715 00:35:54,761 --> 00:35:57,329 I don't know, to be perfectly honest with you. 716 00:35:57,372 --> 00:35:59,113 But they're creepy 'cause they're underneath. 717 00:35:59,157 --> 00:36:01,811 "Well, couldn't you turn it over?" Don't be insane! 718 00:36:03,378 --> 00:36:05,815 "What about this one? Do you think it's weird?" Well, it's a bit weird. 719 00:36:05,859 --> 00:36:07,948 "Why are you saying that? I knew you'd say that." 720 00:36:07,991 --> 00:36:12,474 Well, it's made out of willow twigs and snow and krill. It's a little weird. 721 00:36:12,518 --> 00:36:15,477 It has a hair and skull in the middle also. 722 00:36:15,521 --> 00:36:18,611 "I knew you'd say that. You never let me get anything I want." 723 00:36:21,135 --> 00:36:23,050 But you know, you figure it out. 724 00:36:23,093 --> 00:36:26,184 It takes time, but you figure it out. 725 00:36:26,227 --> 00:36:29,926 Basically, in any relationship, you work this out. It took me years. 726 00:36:29,970 --> 00:36:32,451 One of you is Bert, one of you is Ernie. 727 00:36:32,494 --> 00:36:34,235 That's what it comes down to. 728 00:36:34,279 --> 00:36:36,977 One of you is really good at chopping up vegetables very small 729 00:36:37,020 --> 00:36:39,849 and explaining factional loyalties in the Middle East, 730 00:36:39,893 --> 00:36:42,852 and the other one is really good at saying, "Help! I'm locked outside! 731 00:36:42,896 --> 00:36:45,115 I can't feel my arms!" 732 00:36:49,772 --> 00:36:52,384 Let's have a little break. I'll see you in a minute. Thanks. Bye. 733 00:36:52,427 --> 00:36:55,082 [applause, cheers] 734 00:37:10,619 --> 00:37:12,926 [chattering] 735 00:37:26,287 --> 00:37:28,637 [whistling, cheering] 736 00:37:32,467 --> 00:37:38,081 Thank you, thank you. Okay, now, um, so... 737 00:37:38,125 --> 00:37:41,563 I don't remember what we-- how we ended it the last-- I don't. 738 00:37:41,607 --> 00:37:44,044 But, anyway, the, um-- 739 00:37:44,087 --> 00:37:45,567 This is my-- 740 00:37:45,611 --> 00:37:48,962 I realized I'm very lucky to have this job. 741 00:37:49,005 --> 00:37:52,139 Um, you know, I-I, uh-- 742 00:37:52,182 --> 00:37:53,749 I know lots of people that do similar stuff. 743 00:37:53,793 --> 00:37:56,491 They make things. They work in theater. You know? 744 00:37:56,535 --> 00:38:00,147 People who come into a place like this and they go, 745 00:38:00,190 --> 00:38:03,585 "Oh, I love this space. I love it. 746 00:38:03,629 --> 00:38:07,981 Is there any way we could make it bigger and smaller at the same time? 747 00:38:08,024 --> 00:38:12,638 Somebody get me a cappuccino, please. No coffee or milk. I love this." 748 00:38:12,681 --> 00:38:15,162 You know, tossers. They're my friends. 749 00:38:15,205 --> 00:38:19,035 And, um-- [clears throat] People are scared. 750 00:38:19,079 --> 00:38:21,864 The young people out there are worried about getting jobs and everything, 751 00:38:21,908 --> 00:38:23,605 and, you know, resentful of all sorts, 752 00:38:23,649 --> 00:38:26,565 not just of thinking my generation is weird 'cause we're middle-aged, 753 00:38:26,608 --> 00:38:28,697 but also resenting us 'cause, you know, 754 00:38:28,741 --> 00:38:31,396 you hear nowadays there's no money, no jobs, 755 00:38:31,439 --> 00:38:33,920 the plant has about eight weeks left-- 756 00:38:33,963 --> 00:38:35,835 Well, you know, we're sorry and everything. 757 00:38:35,878 --> 00:38:38,490 We had a long weekend. It got out of hand. 758 00:38:39,621 --> 00:38:42,885 We needed eye toilets. That's what happened. 759 00:38:42,929 --> 00:38:45,061 You're always whining, you lot though. 760 00:38:45,105 --> 00:38:46,889 I mean, look on the bright side, you've got Mars. 761 00:38:46,933 --> 00:38:49,370 That's exciting. 762 00:38:49,414 --> 00:38:52,765 You can pick out the bath mats for that and everything and enjoy the solar wind. 763 00:38:52,808 --> 00:38:54,984 We'll all be dead, but you'll have a great time. 764 00:38:56,464 --> 00:38:58,074 I mean, my children are in the school system. 765 00:38:58,118 --> 00:39:01,077 They panic about jobs and what's going to happen out there. 766 00:39:01,121 --> 00:39:04,777 They freak out 'cause of the exam stress and all that stuff. 767 00:39:04,820 --> 00:39:07,214 They keep changing the exams and everything and they come in and say, 768 00:39:07,257 --> 00:39:09,303 "Hey, look at this maths. What the-- 769 00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:14,090 'X' minus 'Y' equals 'C,' and 'C' in an integer and also maybe a negative value, hmm? 770 00:39:14,134 --> 00:39:15,483 What's that?" 771 00:39:15,527 --> 00:39:17,180 They're panicking. I said, "Don't panic." 772 00:39:17,224 --> 00:39:19,400 They say, "Of course we're panicking, 'cause we've heard the news. 773 00:39:19,444 --> 00:39:21,663 It's too-- It's hard out there. What do we do?" 774 00:39:21,707 --> 00:39:23,709 I say, "Listen, don't panic. When we get panicky, 775 00:39:23,752 --> 00:39:27,234 we get snappy like you're being right now, and also we get shaky. 776 00:39:27,277 --> 00:39:28,757 We look for the little door under the stairs, 777 00:39:28,801 --> 00:39:31,194 and we go in there and we rock back and forth, don't we? 778 00:39:31,238 --> 00:39:34,067 Milk builds up at the front of the house, cats take over, 779 00:39:34,110 --> 00:39:37,723 we die, they come, they kitten into our skulls, 780 00:39:37,766 --> 00:39:41,074 and then our corpses are found by future generations. 781 00:39:41,117 --> 00:39:44,033 It's distressing. So let's not panic." 782 00:39:45,513 --> 00:39:48,386 "X" minus "Y," "C" integers, what's it all about? 783 00:39:48,429 --> 00:39:50,344 Look, here's a pound. 784 00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:54,827 You know, almost instinctively, how many sweets you can buy with a pound, right? 785 00:39:54,870 --> 00:39:56,611 Here's the thing-- Here's five pounds. 786 00:39:56,655 --> 00:40:00,354 Imagine how many teeth you can make explode with this. 787 00:40:00,398 --> 00:40:02,661 I didn't understand all that math stuff the first time around. 788 00:40:02,704 --> 00:40:07,187 I'm not looking at it again. Take the money. I'll see you later. 789 00:40:07,230 --> 00:40:12,714 Because you have to be straight with your kids. It's confusing out there. 790 00:40:12,758 --> 00:40:15,369 My son comes to me, he says, "Hey, Dad, can I get an ice cream?" 791 00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,110 I say, "Have you cleaned your room?" He says, "No." 792 00:40:17,153 --> 00:40:18,981 I say, "Well, no. Work and reward. 793 00:40:19,025 --> 00:40:21,549 That's how it goes. N-No chore, n-no ice cream." 794 00:40:21,593 --> 00:40:23,508 He goes, "Yeah, but, Dad, I'm just talking about, you know, 795 00:40:23,551 --> 00:40:25,074 a thinking person's ice cream. 796 00:40:25,118 --> 00:40:27,381 No flake, no sprinkles, just, you know, 797 00:40:27,425 --> 00:40:29,078 I got to work a couple of things out. 798 00:40:29,122 --> 00:40:32,081 Come on, Dad. I'm from the old country like you. Come on." 799 00:40:32,125 --> 00:40:34,127 Um-- 800 00:40:34,170 --> 00:40:35,563 I say, "Forget it. I've got a headache. 801 00:40:35,607 --> 00:40:37,173 We've spoken about it so many times." 802 00:40:37,217 --> 00:40:39,393 He goes, "Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad. 803 00:40:39,437 --> 00:40:42,527 A ball of ice cream, suspended mid-air, no cone or anything. 804 00:40:42,570 --> 00:40:44,137 I'll run around really quick underneath it. 805 00:40:44,180 --> 00:40:46,182 Come on, Dad. Be a mensch. 806 00:40:46,226 --> 00:40:47,662 Don't put it through the books." 807 00:40:47,706 --> 00:40:49,664 Um-- 808 00:40:49,708 --> 00:40:52,319 I said, "I've got a headache." He says, "Would you like an ice cream?" 809 00:40:52,362 --> 00:40:54,539 "I would like an ice cream actually." "I can make that happen." 810 00:40:54,582 --> 00:40:56,236 "Okay, there's the money. I'll clean your room." 811 00:40:56,279 --> 00:40:58,891 You have to have a system. 812 00:40:58,934 --> 00:41:00,283 You have to have a system. 813 00:41:00,327 --> 00:41:02,285 Now I wasn't ready. 814 00:41:04,331 --> 00:41:06,072 I've got a fantastic daughter as well. 815 00:41:06,115 --> 00:41:08,509 Seventeen years old, but she still takes the time. 816 00:41:08,553 --> 00:41:12,513 That's the nice thing. She still takes the time to sit down beside me and go, 817 00:41:12,557 --> 00:41:15,516 "Ew! You've got hair in your ears." 818 00:41:17,083 --> 00:41:19,738 "You couldn't get any more disgusting, but you did. 819 00:41:19,781 --> 00:41:21,653 Eh! 820 00:41:23,524 --> 00:41:25,395 Here, I'm going to take a selfie of your ear. 821 00:41:25,439 --> 00:41:28,355 Look at those. Look at the pig's bum on your head." 822 00:41:28,398 --> 00:41:30,096 And they-- [clears throat] 823 00:41:32,402 --> 00:41:35,144 The thing is, you know, I wasn't ready for children. 824 00:41:35,188 --> 00:41:37,712 Of course I wasn't, I'm a man. 825 00:41:37,756 --> 00:41:39,409 Men are not ready for anything. 826 00:41:39,453 --> 00:41:40,976 Men spend their whole lives going, 827 00:41:41,020 --> 00:41:44,153 "Huh? Now? Really? Ah, okay. I'll do--" 828 00:41:44,197 --> 00:41:45,981 [imitating cries] 829 00:41:47,374 --> 00:41:49,942 That's how they die. 830 00:41:49,985 --> 00:41:53,119 "Eh, no. Aaah!" 831 00:41:53,162 --> 00:41:54,773 Not ready for any of it. 832 00:41:54,816 --> 00:41:57,558 Women are ready. Women imagine it emotionally, imaginatively. 833 00:41:57,602 --> 00:42:01,910 They have a time machine. They can travel and imagine possible futures, 834 00:42:01,954 --> 00:42:04,609 'cause they're interested in life, you know. 835 00:42:04,652 --> 00:42:06,088 They're quite interested in living. 836 00:42:06,132 --> 00:42:09,439 Men are afraid of life 'cause it involves loss, 837 00:42:09,483 --> 00:42:12,225 so-- and change, and they can't stand that. 838 00:42:12,268 --> 00:42:14,227 Women go, "Yeah. Maybe this, maybe that." 839 00:42:14,270 --> 00:42:16,621 They imagine a possible future with children. They go, "Yeah, let's do that." 840 00:42:16,664 --> 00:42:18,405 They know the man's not going to be ready. 841 00:42:18,448 --> 00:42:21,495 He goes, "Yeah, one day, not today." 842 00:42:21,539 --> 00:42:24,454 'Cause men are really good at wanting things. They go around wanting things. 843 00:42:24,498 --> 00:42:27,719 "Where's all the stuff I want? Is it here? No? Fuck!" 844 00:42:30,069 --> 00:42:33,376 And children are really good at needing things, and that trumps wanting. 845 00:42:35,857 --> 00:42:38,251 Because, I mean, children have weird needs. 846 00:42:38,294 --> 00:42:40,514 I didn't know the things they need. 847 00:42:40,558 --> 00:42:44,562 They needpets. It's not a whim. It's not some fanciful desire. 848 00:42:44,605 --> 00:42:47,216 It's a need. For years the children would come to me going-- 849 00:42:47,260 --> 00:42:50,219 [imitating child's voice]: "Daddy, please. Daddy, please." 850 00:42:50,263 --> 00:42:53,745 [normal voice]: "No," I said. "Begone!" 851 00:42:53,788 --> 00:42:55,355 In my throne of skulls in the kitchen. 852 00:42:55,398 --> 00:42:56,922 "Leave this place!" 853 00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:01,753 [imitating child's voice]: "Daddy, please. 854 00:43:01,796 --> 00:43:05,365 A little furry with eyes and it goes--" [whimpers] 855 00:43:05,408 --> 00:43:07,628 "Please!" 856 00:43:07,672 --> 00:43:11,458 [normal voice]: "Leave now. Take your sister with you." 857 00:43:13,721 --> 00:43:16,506 In the end, you know, I realized it's good for the children. 858 00:43:16,550 --> 00:43:17,856 Of course it's good for the children. 859 00:43:17,899 --> 00:43:19,988 The child is, you know, with their parents-- 860 00:43:20,032 --> 00:43:22,295 parent all the time, looking after it. 861 00:43:22,338 --> 00:43:24,645 And, you know, they're in charge of this child, 862 00:43:24,689 --> 00:43:26,908 and the child has to do whatever they say, whatever's going on. 863 00:43:26,952 --> 00:43:28,606 "Eat the crazy food we made." 864 00:43:28,649 --> 00:43:30,129 "Oh, look, we're having an argument." 865 00:43:30,172 --> 00:43:31,696 "What's happening? Nobody knows." 866 00:43:31,739 --> 00:43:33,872 "Never mind. It'll all be fun tomorrow. 867 00:43:33,915 --> 00:43:36,918 Probably. Good night!" 868 00:43:36,962 --> 00:43:39,791 So of course the child wants a little creature 869 00:43:39,834 --> 00:43:41,793 it can look after and, you know, care for. 870 00:43:41,836 --> 00:43:43,490 And say, "Have you been a good guinea pig? 871 00:43:43,533 --> 00:43:44,970 Have you been a good guinea pig? Have you?" 872 00:43:45,013 --> 00:43:47,407 [shouting]: "Have you been a good guinea pig?" 873 00:43:47,450 --> 00:43:49,714 "How would you know? You have no moral compass." 874 00:43:51,237 --> 00:43:52,934 "Do this math homework." 875 00:43:52,978 --> 00:43:54,501 Um-- 876 00:43:56,808 --> 00:43:59,071 You know, really, the other thing is, 877 00:43:59,114 --> 00:44:01,160 I mean, it's the way people learn about grief. 878 00:44:01,203 --> 00:44:03,466 That's the other function of pets. That's the truth of course. 879 00:44:03,510 --> 00:44:06,556 When you open the door of the pet shop, really what you're saying is, 880 00:44:06,600 --> 00:44:09,603 "Which thing that dies do you want?" 881 00:44:11,474 --> 00:44:14,390 That's the truth. 882 00:44:14,434 --> 00:44:17,916 So they chose a hamster, okay. Now the hamster was this size. 883 00:44:17,959 --> 00:44:21,397 This size. Okay? 884 00:44:21,441 --> 00:44:23,095 He ate my couch. 885 00:44:23,138 --> 00:44:24,749 And he-- 886 00:44:24,792 --> 00:44:27,142 There's one leg left and some foam. That was it. 887 00:44:27,186 --> 00:44:29,841 [growls] Then he ate the cables to the fridge. 888 00:44:29,884 --> 00:44:32,365 Then he ate the Internet, and then he fucked off. 889 00:44:33,192 --> 00:44:34,628 Gone. 890 00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:37,413 The pamphlet from the pet shop said look for a bad smell. 891 00:44:37,457 --> 00:44:41,896 We found 4,859 different bad smells and no hamster. 892 00:44:41,940 --> 00:44:43,593 When we did find him, it was a week later 893 00:44:43,637 --> 00:44:46,379 in the hotel my children had made me buy him. 894 00:44:46,422 --> 00:44:49,643 He was dead at his desk. He'd been writing prison poetry. 895 00:44:51,514 --> 00:44:55,127 Tiny bottle of Jack Daniel's beside him and a pile of pills. 896 00:44:55,170 --> 00:44:58,043 Both hands down his shorts. He'd been writing terza rima. 897 00:44:58,086 --> 00:44:59,871 Um-- 898 00:44:59,914 --> 00:45:02,351 Then of course we had floods of tears all over the house. 899 00:45:02,395 --> 00:45:04,658 Floods of tears. Wailing, weeping, gnashing. 900 00:45:04,702 --> 00:45:06,094 And then more replacements. 901 00:45:06,138 --> 00:45:10,577 There was Dieter, Fenula... Cuckoo. 902 00:45:10,620 --> 00:45:12,927 All these different people arrived-- 903 00:45:12,971 --> 00:45:14,668 guinea pigs, hamsters arrived. 904 00:45:14,712 --> 00:45:16,626 They would last for about seven minutes. They would come in and go, 905 00:45:16,670 --> 00:45:18,367 "Hi. I'm so excited to be working with you people. 906 00:45:18,411 --> 00:45:19,760 I've heard a lot about you here. 907 00:45:19,804 --> 00:45:21,762 Very, very, exciting time for me." 908 00:45:21,806 --> 00:45:23,721 [imitates groaning] They'll have a stroke. That's it. 909 00:45:25,026 --> 00:45:27,768 And the tiny garden at the back of the house is a mass grave 910 00:45:27,812 --> 00:45:29,901 full of these fuckers. 911 00:45:29,944 --> 00:45:33,121 One morning my wife woke me up, I just heard this voice-- 912 00:45:33,165 --> 00:45:35,297 It's Sunday morning, 7:00 AM. Midnight, right? 913 00:45:35,341 --> 00:45:37,822 And I'm... 914 00:45:37,865 --> 00:45:39,693 in deep communion with the pillow. 915 00:45:39,737 --> 00:45:41,173 The pillow is here. 916 00:45:43,436 --> 00:45:45,351 I heard this voice-- "Dylan." "What?" 917 00:45:45,394 --> 00:45:47,179 "Dylan. Dy--" "What?" 918 00:45:47,222 --> 00:45:48,789 "Wake up." "What is it?" 919 00:45:48,833 --> 00:45:52,314 "The rabbit." "What fuckin' rabbit?" [mumbling] 920 00:45:52,358 --> 00:45:55,100 "No, listen. The rabbit is dead." 921 00:45:55,143 --> 00:45:58,451 [imitates chuckling] 922 00:45:58,494 --> 00:46:00,322 "No, really. He is. 923 00:46:00,366 --> 00:46:03,412 Listen. He has no head." 924 00:46:03,456 --> 00:46:06,241 I had to get up. 925 00:46:06,285 --> 00:46:09,418 I went into the garden, and there was this perfect rabbit. Perfect. 926 00:46:09,462 --> 00:46:11,377 Not a hair out of place, not a drop of blood, 927 00:46:11,420 --> 00:46:13,248 not a blade of grass moved-- 928 00:46:13,292 --> 00:46:15,598 [imitates blade slicing] No head. 929 00:46:15,642 --> 00:46:17,165 Nothing. 930 00:46:17,209 --> 00:46:22,301 And a five-layer, modernist fox shit right beside him. 931 00:46:22,344 --> 00:46:24,782 Might as well have had a card on the top saying, 932 00:46:24,825 --> 00:46:27,741 "That's how I do. I see you later." 933 00:46:27,785 --> 00:46:30,831 It was amazing. The threat. 934 00:46:30,875 --> 00:46:35,009 And then we had to get a dog. They wanted to get a dog. 935 00:46:35,053 --> 00:46:38,578 "Dog, dog, dog." "No, no, no, no, no," I was saying. 936 00:46:38,621 --> 00:46:42,625 Now of course, we have a dog. Of course we do, because I'm a father. 937 00:46:42,669 --> 00:46:46,238 People don't listen to fathers. That's the truth. 938 00:46:46,281 --> 00:46:50,982 'Cause they don't-- Fathers are not considered people... 939 00:46:51,025 --> 00:46:52,287 in families. 940 00:46:52,331 --> 00:46:54,202 They're not. A big force, yes. 941 00:46:54,246 --> 00:46:57,249 An elemental force, even. Sure. But not a person. 942 00:46:57,292 --> 00:46:59,860 Look at the Christmas presents fathers get. 943 00:46:59,904 --> 00:47:01,949 Nobody knows who this guy is. 944 00:47:01,993 --> 00:47:03,385 That's why they come up to him. 945 00:47:03,429 --> 00:47:05,213 That's why they come up to him and they go, 946 00:47:05,257 --> 00:47:08,434 "Here you go. We got you a-- It's a-- What is it? It's a woolly penguin. 947 00:47:08,477 --> 00:47:12,003 You squeeze it. It says 'fuck' in Dutch. You may like it." 948 00:47:13,352 --> 00:47:15,571 They don't know who he is. 949 00:47:15,615 --> 00:47:20,794 "It's a giant clog-- clog-- made out of lunch meats from all over the world. 950 00:47:20,838 --> 00:47:22,840 You get into it, and it plays the Austrian national anthem. 951 00:47:22,883 --> 00:47:24,754 I don't know. We thought it might be your thing." 952 00:47:29,237 --> 00:47:31,544 They don't know who the guy is. So of course we have a dog. 953 00:47:31,587 --> 00:47:35,461 Now I don't want to be here standing, talking about my fucking dog either, okay? 954 00:47:35,504 --> 00:47:37,245 That was never the plan for me. 955 00:47:37,289 --> 00:47:39,813 I didn't want a dog. I didn't want to stand up here and talk about it. 956 00:47:39,857 --> 00:47:41,423 You know, I remember passing these guys 957 00:47:41,467 --> 00:47:43,599 in the hills around where we live. 958 00:47:43,643 --> 00:47:45,166 These guys standing there in their barber jackets 959 00:47:45,210 --> 00:47:48,126 with some huge animal on the lead, taking a shit in the weeds, 960 00:47:48,169 --> 00:47:51,390 and they would look at you with this face, as if to go, "What can you do, eh?" 961 00:47:51,433 --> 00:47:54,045 Well, you could not look around for excuses 962 00:47:54,088 --> 00:47:56,134 for giving up on your dreams, you fucking loser. 963 00:47:56,177 --> 00:47:58,223 That's what you could do. 964 00:47:59,311 --> 00:48:02,618 I used to think that. I didn't say it. 965 00:48:02,662 --> 00:48:04,751 Now I don't think it. I just say, 966 00:48:04,794 --> 00:48:06,796 "Morning, Bob." [continues, indistinct] 967 00:48:08,973 --> 00:48:13,412 So, anyway-- So we're going to get this pup 968 00:48:13,455 --> 00:48:14,935 from this friend of mine, 969 00:48:14,979 --> 00:48:18,634 and, um, he wanted to meet in this coffee shop place, 970 00:48:18,678 --> 00:48:20,506 near where he lives. 971 00:48:20,549 --> 00:48:23,117 So I went, and, um, it was one of these places, 972 00:48:23,161 --> 00:48:24,989 and they have popped up everywhere. 973 00:48:25,032 --> 00:48:27,948 They are everywhere now. London's full of them. 974 00:48:27,992 --> 00:48:29,994 And you know what I'm talking about. They're really cool. 975 00:48:30,037 --> 00:48:33,954 There's stripped back wood, just bare brick. 976 00:48:33,998 --> 00:48:36,174 No real furniture, just, you know, coffee sacks. 977 00:48:36,217 --> 00:48:40,004 It's too cool for furniture. Just coffee sacks and half of an old surfboard 978 00:48:40,047 --> 00:48:42,354 signed from the 1950s, something like that. 979 00:48:42,397 --> 00:48:44,573 It's very intimidating if you're of a certain age. 980 00:48:44,617 --> 00:48:48,926 I walked in. I was the only person who did not have an Edwardian cricketer's beard. 981 00:48:52,625 --> 00:48:54,453 Very excluded, I felt. 982 00:48:54,496 --> 00:48:57,935 And everybody has a lot of tattoos. 983 00:48:57,978 --> 00:49:00,807 Tattoos used to be an anchor or a girl or a tiger. 984 00:49:00,850 --> 00:49:04,332 Now there's The Book of Deuteronomy. 985 00:49:04,376 --> 00:49:06,117 And it's becoming Lord of the Rings. 986 00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:08,249 It doesn't stop. It just goes wrap around the whole-- 987 00:49:08,293 --> 00:49:10,948 Piercings everywhere. It looked like somebody had gone by the building and just go-- 988 00:49:10,991 --> 00:49:13,994 [imitates gunshots] 989 00:49:14,038 --> 00:49:15,604 And a lot of very earnest conversations-- 990 00:49:15,648 --> 00:49:17,780 "Mmm, mmm. Yeah, Hugo, we should. 991 00:49:17,824 --> 00:49:20,958 We should open a cauliflower bar. We fucking should." 992 00:49:22,176 --> 00:49:24,048 "Yeah, brilliant idea. 993 00:49:24,091 --> 00:49:27,573 A ukulele patio. That's a fucking great idea, Miles." 994 00:49:31,055 --> 00:49:35,189 "Yeah, let's do it. Let's crowdsource that shit." 995 00:49:35,233 --> 00:49:37,670 People having those conversations, the tattoos, the piercings, 996 00:49:37,713 --> 00:49:42,414 one man with an actual javelin through his chest, nodding in the corner. 997 00:49:43,545 --> 00:49:45,939 So I'm very intimidated. I go up to the chief beard 998 00:49:45,983 --> 00:49:49,334 in front of his Harley-Davidson coffee machine. 999 00:49:51,075 --> 00:49:52,511 There's too many coffees. 1000 00:49:52,554 --> 00:49:55,122 There's too many different types of-- I wouldn't-- 1001 00:49:55,166 --> 00:49:57,995 "Frotagitato." I don't want that. 1002 00:49:58,038 --> 00:50:01,259 "Scaraccino." Just give me a cup of coffee, please. 1003 00:50:01,302 --> 00:50:03,609 I said, "Do you put two shots in the coffee here?" 1004 00:50:03,652 --> 00:50:07,395 He goes, "Yeah!" Like I had insulted generations of his family. 1005 00:50:09,223 --> 00:50:12,835 I say, "Well, can I get it in a slightly bigger cup, please? Thank you." 1006 00:50:12,879 --> 00:50:15,664 And he went, "Yeah, you could." 1007 00:50:15,708 --> 00:50:17,362 And he didn't move. 1008 00:50:17,405 --> 00:50:19,059 I thought maybe this is a new thing too, 1009 00:50:19,103 --> 00:50:20,756 so I just stood there looking at him. 1010 00:50:20,800 --> 00:50:24,238 He didn't move. Thinking-- Hmm? 1011 00:50:24,282 --> 00:50:25,805 "Make it so. 1012 00:50:27,589 --> 00:50:29,287 I know you're resentful of me and everything 1013 00:50:29,330 --> 00:50:33,465 because you have a degree in marine accountancy or whatever it is 1014 00:50:33,508 --> 00:50:35,510 and you have to pour coffee for a living, 1015 00:50:35,554 --> 00:50:38,165 but that's the way it happens sometimes. 1016 00:50:40,515 --> 00:50:44,215 Just, please, can you do this? What happens next?" 1017 00:50:44,258 --> 00:50:46,086 He's staring at me and he said, 1018 00:50:46,130 --> 00:50:48,393 "You could, but you're going to lose the umaminess 1019 00:50:48,436 --> 00:50:51,483 of the single origin bean." 1020 00:50:51,526 --> 00:50:54,834 That's what the man said. Okay? 1021 00:50:54,877 --> 00:50:58,838 I said, "Okay, but you can still do it, right?" 1022 00:50:58,881 --> 00:51:03,582 It's pretty neutral, very mature. Isn't it mature? 1023 00:51:03,625 --> 00:51:05,192 Then he said, 1024 00:51:05,236 --> 00:51:08,674 "Yeah, but it will get radially diffused 1025 00:51:08,717 --> 00:51:10,502 on the camber of the cup." 1026 00:51:13,418 --> 00:51:16,508 I don't know what I said then, 1027 00:51:16,551 --> 00:51:18,249 because we were on the street all of a sudden. 1028 00:51:18,292 --> 00:51:19,815 Um-- 1029 00:51:20,947 --> 00:51:23,645 He was saying some stuff about coffee. 1030 00:51:23,689 --> 00:51:27,127 I was making some speculations about him and his place in the universe 1031 00:51:27,171 --> 00:51:30,174 and in what possible continuum he might get laid. 1032 00:51:30,217 --> 00:51:32,219 Um-- 1033 00:51:32,263 --> 00:51:34,787 It ended with me walking away and him shouting after me, 1034 00:51:34,830 --> 00:51:37,442 "Enjoy your attitude problem. Enjoy your life." 1035 00:51:37,485 --> 00:51:40,009 So I was really, really mad, okay. 1036 00:51:40,053 --> 00:51:44,101 I was furious mainly at myself for losing my temper. 1037 00:51:44,144 --> 00:51:45,754 So I go to my friend's house. 1038 00:51:45,798 --> 00:51:48,366 And my friend is annoying at the best of times. 1039 00:51:49,541 --> 00:51:51,673 He didn't understand the situation at all. 1040 00:51:51,717 --> 00:51:54,850 He's one of these people, okay, who's always keeping up with cool stuff and telling me 1041 00:51:54,894 --> 00:51:57,897 what I should watch and read and what I should be doing and all, you know. 1042 00:51:57,940 --> 00:52:00,813 "Have you seen the new Scandinavian crime series?" "I haven't, no." 1043 00:52:00,856 --> 00:52:05,122 "It's brilliant." [imitates Finnish language] 1044 00:52:05,165 --> 00:52:07,167 "It's Finnish. It translates as 'hot.' 1045 00:52:07,211 --> 00:52:08,647 It's about these-- 1046 00:52:09,691 --> 00:52:11,171 It's about these three detective fishermen 1047 00:52:11,215 --> 00:52:12,564 who get trapped in the hut over the winter. 1048 00:52:12,607 --> 00:52:14,174 They're all in love with each other. 1049 00:52:14,218 --> 00:52:16,350 One of them goes deaf because it's so cold. 1050 00:52:16,394 --> 00:52:20,180 The other one goes fat because he's got a lot of bait hidden in the hood of his parka. 1051 00:52:20,224 --> 00:52:22,182 The other one is narcoleptic and insomniac. 1052 00:52:22,226 --> 00:52:23,836 He spends the whole time just doing this-- 1053 00:52:26,099 --> 00:52:27,840 It last for a year and a half. 1054 00:52:27,883 --> 00:52:29,711 You have to see it in the original Finnish, 1055 00:52:29,755 --> 00:52:31,278 otherwise you lose all the-- [imitates Finnish language] 1056 00:52:31,322 --> 00:52:32,584 which is Finnish for 'nuance.'" 1057 00:52:32,627 --> 00:52:34,455 Um-- [clears throat] 1058 00:52:34,499 --> 00:52:36,588 So there's all that, right? 1059 00:52:36,631 --> 00:52:39,982 And he didn't understand the coffee situation. 1060 00:52:40,026 --> 00:52:41,593 He was just following me around going, 1061 00:52:41,636 --> 00:52:43,290 "How can you argue with the coffee guy? 1062 00:52:43,334 --> 00:52:45,249 Hi. Can I get coffee? How can you have an argument?" 1063 00:52:45,292 --> 00:52:47,773 I didn't want to talk to him. I just wanted to sit down. 1064 00:52:47,816 --> 00:52:52,125 I wanted to sit down, and I tried to sit down on this woolly chair, 1065 00:52:52,169 --> 00:52:55,041 but it shat on me. 1066 00:52:55,084 --> 00:52:58,218 Then he came running over. "Oh, you found the dog. You found the dog!" 1067 00:52:58,262 --> 00:53:00,786 'Cause he didn't have a proper dog. You know? 1068 00:53:00,829 --> 00:53:05,573 He had one of these modern fucking-- [speaking gibberish] dogs. 1069 00:53:05,617 --> 00:53:07,140 What happened to dogs? 1070 00:53:07,184 --> 00:53:09,273 The dogs. You know, dogs, Labradors. 1071 00:53:09,316 --> 00:53:10,970 I grew up with those classic dogs. 1072 00:53:11,013 --> 00:53:13,233 Labradors-- it's a human being in dog form. 1073 00:53:13,277 --> 00:53:15,148 You know what it is. It's walking around going, 1074 00:53:15,192 --> 00:53:17,542 "Have you seen my glasses? I don't know where they are. I can't find it. 1075 00:53:17,585 --> 00:53:20,284 Where-Where is it? I'm sorry. 1076 00:53:20,327 --> 00:53:22,242 Have you got the crossword?" 1077 00:53:22,286 --> 00:53:24,592 Um-- 1078 00:53:24,636 --> 00:53:26,812 Even if they're annoying, you can recognize them. 1079 00:53:26,855 --> 00:53:30,511 You know a Spaniel, you know, is like some drunk auntie at a party, 1080 00:53:30,555 --> 00:53:34,211 one whose ears keep going into their mouth and they have to spit them out. 1081 00:53:34,254 --> 00:53:37,910 "I'm a Spaniel. I'm a Spaniel. I've always been a Spaniel." 1082 00:53:39,607 --> 00:53:42,871 Or a Saint Bernard. They're ludicrous-looking, but you know what they are. 1083 00:53:42,915 --> 00:53:44,699 They're that-that dog, the one who are, 1084 00:53:44,743 --> 00:53:47,224 "You go up at the mountain because you're a dick." 1085 00:53:48,660 --> 00:53:52,403 All those people doing those sports, ridiculous sports, 1086 00:53:52,446 --> 00:53:54,361 calling you in the middle of the night in January. 1087 00:53:54,405 --> 00:53:58,974 "Hi. I'm stuck up the mountain. It didn't go well." 1088 00:53:59,018 --> 00:54:03,370 The mountain at night in January. How does it go right? 1089 00:54:03,414 --> 00:54:08,070 "What are you doing?" "We're having a curry. Go away." Click. There. 1090 00:54:08,114 --> 00:54:12,292 To all of those people doing those sports: fly diving and hole finding-- 1091 00:54:12,336 --> 00:54:14,076 They're responsible for their own actions, okay. 1092 00:54:14,120 --> 00:54:17,123 If you want a sense of danger, stop wasting everybody's time, okay? 1093 00:54:17,166 --> 00:54:19,691 Blind fold yourself and walk around your flat, 1094 00:54:19,734 --> 00:54:21,823 have a friend hit you with a stick. 1095 00:54:23,390 --> 00:54:24,826 But... 1096 00:54:27,873 --> 00:54:30,005 if you go-- if you go up the mountain, 1097 00:54:30,049 --> 00:54:32,225 you know how the dog-- it's the dog that comes over 1098 00:54:32,269 --> 00:54:33,922 and drinks Brandy watching you die. 1099 00:54:33,966 --> 00:54:35,359 It's that dog. 1100 00:54:37,317 --> 00:54:39,493 But he didn't have a proper dog. 1101 00:54:39,537 --> 00:54:42,670 He didn't have a proper one. He had one of these dogs. You don't know what they are. 1102 00:54:42,714 --> 00:54:45,586 It looks like a car wash with teeth. You don't know what it is. 1103 00:54:45,630 --> 00:54:49,547 He came running over and said, "You found him. That's our 'Schnaper Daniel.'" 1104 00:54:49,590 --> 00:54:51,200 He's on his knees tickling the dog. 1105 00:54:51,244 --> 00:54:53,594 "He's called Mr. Beans. Isn't he adorable? 1106 00:54:53,638 --> 00:54:57,119 We called him Mr. Beans because the first thing he did when he came into the apartment was 1107 00:54:57,163 --> 00:55:00,340 he jumped up on that table over there and he ate a plate of beans. 1108 00:55:00,384 --> 00:55:02,168 Isn't that adorable?" 1109 00:55:05,476 --> 00:55:07,826 I said, um, 1110 00:55:07,869 --> 00:55:10,132 "I-I-I also like beans. 1111 00:55:12,047 --> 00:55:14,267 My name is not Mr. Beans. 1112 00:55:16,661 --> 00:55:19,664 My name is Mr. Shit Shoes, 1113 00:55:19,707 --> 00:55:23,494 because I have shit on my shoes. 1114 00:55:23,537 --> 00:55:25,757 When you're quite finished giving Mr. Beans a hand job 1115 00:55:25,800 --> 00:55:28,586 or whatever you're doing there, 1116 00:55:28,629 --> 00:55:32,329 I would like a towel or a shovel or something, okay. Thank you very much." 1117 00:55:34,331 --> 00:55:35,984 Because the thing is, 1118 00:55:36,028 --> 00:55:38,117 he had gone for the easy relationship, 1119 00:55:38,160 --> 00:55:40,075 which is with a dog. 1120 00:55:40,119 --> 00:55:42,600 That's not challenging. The dog never says anything difficult to you. 1121 00:55:42,643 --> 00:55:44,863 Like at meal times, doesn't turn around and go, 1122 00:55:44,906 --> 00:55:47,648 [smacking lips] "Why do you do that thing with your mouth? 1123 00:55:47,692 --> 00:55:49,346 Are you always going to do that? 1124 00:55:49,389 --> 00:55:52,305 Am I going to look at that shit for the rest of my life?" 1125 00:55:52,349 --> 00:55:53,915 All the dog ever says is-- 1126 00:55:53,959 --> 00:55:55,395 "I can't believe you came home again. 1127 00:55:55,439 --> 00:55:58,180 I can't believe you came home again." 1128 00:55:58,224 --> 00:56:01,793 Is that it? Is that all the challenge you want in your life? 1129 00:56:04,056 --> 00:56:06,406 I happen to live with somebody who is very stimulating, 1130 00:56:06,450 --> 00:56:10,845 who asks me deep, philosophical questions that are hard to answer. 1131 00:56:10,889 --> 00:56:13,152 Like, she'd walk through the kitchen and see me and go, 1132 00:56:17,765 --> 00:56:19,376 "You're wearing that shirt?" 1133 00:56:22,814 --> 00:56:25,164 "It's looking that way." 1134 00:56:25,904 --> 00:56:28,602 "But we're going out. 1135 00:56:28,646 --> 00:56:31,649 Out of the house. People will see me with you. 1136 00:56:31,692 --> 00:56:34,565 Works out rather well for you. 1137 00:56:34,608 --> 00:56:36,697 You look like you make a living fighting pigs in a hole. 1138 00:56:36,741 --> 00:56:39,396 Put a different fucking shirt on." Um-- 1139 00:56:40,484 --> 00:56:42,834 I don't argue. I don't argue. 1140 00:56:42,877 --> 00:56:44,488 I'm not good at the arguing thing. 1141 00:56:44,531 --> 00:56:46,751 It's not my field. 1142 00:56:46,794 --> 00:56:48,622 Some people are good at it. 1143 00:56:48,666 --> 00:56:50,929 If somebody knows you-- Don't argue with somebody who really knows you, 1144 00:56:50,972 --> 00:56:54,628 'cause they can just flip you one-handed. 1145 00:56:54,672 --> 00:56:56,543 She knows all the moves. 1146 00:56:56,587 --> 00:56:59,372 We'll walk in-- "You're in a bit of a weird mood." 1147 00:56:59,416 --> 00:57:02,549 Aaah! There's no way you don't react to that. 1148 00:57:02,593 --> 00:57:04,943 [stammering] "What do you mean?" 1149 00:57:04,986 --> 00:57:07,380 Huh? 1150 00:57:07,424 --> 00:57:09,730 "Well, look. You're being so aggressive." 1151 00:57:09,774 --> 00:57:11,471 Then you sort of twig what's going on. You go, 1152 00:57:11,515 --> 00:57:15,823 "I am-- I am not. I am not. I'm not aggressive." 1153 00:57:15,867 --> 00:57:17,477 "Well, you're very passive-aggressive." 1154 00:57:17,521 --> 00:57:19,392 "I am not passive-aggressive!" 1155 00:57:19,436 --> 00:57:20,915 "Okay, but you're very defensive or something. 1156 00:57:20,959 --> 00:57:24,136 I'll see you later when you're in a better mood." Um-- 1157 00:57:24,179 --> 00:57:27,487 "You just left there going--" [screams] 1158 00:57:27,531 --> 00:57:29,924 Very hard to think of a comeback. 1159 00:57:29,968 --> 00:57:32,187 "You're just using me for sex." Um-- 1160 00:57:36,670 --> 00:57:39,194 But the thing is, it's great to be known by another person as well. 1161 00:57:39,238 --> 00:57:41,022 You don't know what to give each other at anniversaries 1162 00:57:41,066 --> 00:57:42,676 'cause you've been together for so long. 1163 00:57:42,720 --> 00:57:44,461 You know? It's not like that when you first meet. 1164 00:57:44,504 --> 00:57:46,114 There you go. Cotton or silk or whatever it is. 1165 00:57:46,158 --> 00:57:48,116 When you're ancient, you just roll on top of one another, 1166 00:57:48,160 --> 00:57:49,857 open your mouth and rubies fall out. 1167 00:57:49,901 --> 00:57:52,730 It's, uh-- It's this ambiguous middle passage. 1168 00:57:52,773 --> 00:57:55,646 Nobody even knows. What are you supposed to do? Eighteen years? Seventeen years? 1169 00:57:55,689 --> 00:57:57,778 There you go. There's a remote control covered in Nutella. 1170 00:57:57,822 --> 00:57:59,780 I thought you'd enjoy that. 1171 00:58:03,871 --> 00:58:06,874 You gotta work it out, you know. How are you gonna do it? 1172 00:58:06,918 --> 00:58:11,488 I mean, what happens is you end up dividing tasks. 1173 00:58:11,531 --> 00:58:13,315 You know, you're good at this. 1174 00:58:13,359 --> 00:58:15,492 The other person is good at the other thing. 1175 00:58:15,535 --> 00:58:20,018 My wife, like, one of her areas is, you know, the future. 1176 00:58:21,585 --> 00:58:26,590 What that is, where it's happening, what time it starts, 1177 00:58:26,633 --> 00:58:29,027 what's gonna happen in it. 1178 00:58:29,070 --> 00:58:31,986 The past is also something she has made her own. 1179 00:58:33,727 --> 00:58:36,904 What actually happened, who was responsible, 1180 00:58:36,948 --> 00:58:39,516 how the crime shall be remembered-- 1181 00:58:40,865 --> 00:58:44,782 sometimes while we're busy talking about somethingelse, 1182 00:58:44,825 --> 00:58:49,134 and my overwhelming resemblance to all the villains in history. 1183 00:58:49,177 --> 00:58:51,963 But no-- And also the present is something she curates. 1184 00:58:52,006 --> 00:58:54,531 That is something she understands. 1185 00:58:54,574 --> 00:58:57,316 But no one person can do everything. 1186 00:58:57,359 --> 00:58:59,579 That's out of balance. In a relationship, you can't have that. 1187 00:58:59,623 --> 00:59:02,147 That's, you know-- It's stupid. So-- 1188 00:59:02,190 --> 00:59:04,192 I-I taste the crisps. 1189 00:59:07,413 --> 00:59:10,155 There's a lot of new flavors out there now. 1190 00:59:10,198 --> 00:59:14,202 Beetroot and vertigo. Horseradish and déjà vu. 1191 00:59:14,246 --> 00:59:15,987 People don't know how to approach those. 1192 00:59:16,030 --> 00:59:20,600 Sometimes you have to step in for them and tell them it's okay. 1193 00:59:23,560 --> 00:59:25,170 You know, you work it out, 1194 00:59:26,606 --> 00:59:29,217 and, um, of course it's very rewarding. 1195 00:59:29,261 --> 00:59:32,177 [stuttering] But people are misrepresented. 1196 00:59:32,220 --> 00:59:34,092 Men are misrepresented to women. 1197 00:59:34,135 --> 00:59:37,138 You know, they're always built up as heroes in films and so on. 1198 00:59:37,182 --> 00:59:39,097 My favorite bit in all those action films is 1199 00:59:39,140 --> 00:59:41,490 when the ordinary guy, who turns out to be a hero, 1200 00:59:41,534 --> 00:59:42,840 turns around to his own family and goes, 1201 00:59:42,883 --> 00:59:45,451 "Everybody just shut up. Stop arguing. 1202 00:59:45,494 --> 00:59:47,845 Do what I'm saying. Trust me for a minute." 1203 00:59:47,888 --> 00:59:50,630 That's when all my family bursts out laughing and point at me and go, 1204 00:59:50,674 --> 00:59:54,416 "Ha-ha! Imagine how quickly we would be dead." 1205 00:59:56,331 --> 00:59:59,683 "Imagine all the different ways we'd be dead." 1206 01:00:01,902 --> 01:00:04,644 Men are not heroes, by and large. 1207 01:00:04,688 --> 01:00:06,690 You know, you make it to middle age, 1208 01:00:06,733 --> 01:00:08,605 you're not a hero most of the time. 1209 01:00:08,648 --> 01:00:11,782 You're just a jelly baby with a few quid. 1210 01:00:17,439 --> 01:00:19,572 Um-- 1211 01:00:19,616 --> 01:00:22,401 You know, you just-- 1212 01:00:22,444 --> 01:00:24,577 Women are misrepresented, of course, as well. 1213 01:00:24,621 --> 01:00:27,014 I mean, young men are full of nonsense about women now, 1214 01:00:27,058 --> 01:00:28,799 because of all the way they're described. 1215 01:00:28,842 --> 01:00:30,452 You know, also because of pornography, that's part of it. 1216 01:00:30,496 --> 01:00:32,498 I didn't know anything about pornography when I was growing up. 1217 01:00:32,541 --> 01:00:34,195 It didn't exist in Ireland. 1218 01:00:34,239 --> 01:00:37,677 If somebody had a picture of a woman's arse, it was a huge deal. 1219 01:00:37,721 --> 01:00:40,071 People would start arranging ferries. 1220 01:00:42,334 --> 01:00:44,292 There were power surges in the infrastructure. 1221 01:00:44,336 --> 01:00:46,077 Now-- [clears throat] you wake up you go, 1222 01:00:46,120 --> 01:00:49,384 "Take the anal wallpaper away. I just want some Weetabix, please." 1223 01:00:51,909 --> 01:00:55,086 Why are they called "adult films" anyway? What's all that about? 1224 01:00:55,129 --> 01:00:57,784 What's adult about putting a part of yourself in and out of somebody else, 1225 01:00:57,828 --> 01:00:59,699 thousands of times in this space for a couple of minutes 1226 01:00:59,743 --> 01:01:01,701 and looking pretty unhappy about it? 1227 01:01:02,876 --> 01:01:05,270 A really adult film would be some bored-looking woman 1228 01:01:05,313 --> 01:01:07,620 sitting at a kitchen table looking at a rainy window, 1229 01:01:07,664 --> 01:01:10,188 and some depressed-looking guy comes around the corner and says, 1230 01:01:10,231 --> 01:01:12,712 "The bowel condition is fatal." 1231 01:01:14,845 --> 01:01:18,979 And she goes, "Mm, well, I still don't love you." 1232 01:01:19,023 --> 01:01:21,808 And then "The End" appears. That's an adult film. 1233 01:01:25,420 --> 01:01:27,553 But women-- Women are misrepresented 1234 01:01:27,596 --> 01:01:30,208 because a lot of young men are told about hot babes. 1235 01:01:30,251 --> 01:01:33,211 Check out these hot babes. Look at these hot babes. 1236 01:01:33,254 --> 01:01:36,127 Listen to these hot babes walking around on modern flooring surfaces. 1237 01:01:36,170 --> 01:01:37,389 Look at them. 1238 01:01:37,432 --> 01:01:38,999 Look at this hot babe over here 1239 01:01:39,043 --> 01:01:41,262 taking her contact lenses in and out. 1240 01:01:41,306 --> 01:01:42,742 Ooh, that's hot. 1241 01:01:42,786 --> 01:01:44,657 What about this one? Look at her. 1242 01:01:44,701 --> 01:01:47,878 She's thinking of moving to Shrewsbury. Mmm! 1243 01:01:47,921 --> 01:01:50,054 Saucy! 1244 01:01:50,097 --> 01:01:52,317 What about this one over here on the bus, staring at her feet, 1245 01:01:52,360 --> 01:01:54,667 wishing they were a bit smaller? 1246 01:01:54,711 --> 01:01:57,496 She's regretting that argument she had with her sister at Easter. 1247 01:01:57,539 --> 01:02:00,107 Ooh, that's hot! 1248 01:02:00,151 --> 01:02:02,588 All women are hot. 1249 01:02:02,631 --> 01:02:04,590 Scientifically, they're hot, 1250 01:02:04,633 --> 01:02:08,420 because they all regulate their temperature in a totally different way to men. 1251 01:02:09,421 --> 01:02:10,770 Now this is the science section, okay. 1252 01:02:10,814 --> 01:02:12,337 Some of you who don't understand science, 1253 01:02:12,380 --> 01:02:14,643 it will sound like generalizations. 1254 01:02:14,687 --> 01:02:16,123 See, um-- 1255 01:02:17,908 --> 01:02:20,432 The--[applause] 1256 01:02:22,869 --> 01:02:25,698 During the day, the daylight hours, 1257 01:02:25,742 --> 01:02:27,613 all women, all over the world, 1258 01:02:27,656 --> 01:02:30,268 are freezing. 1259 01:02:30,311 --> 01:02:34,054 And there's a reason for this. It's got to do with information processing. 1260 01:02:34,098 --> 01:02:37,449 Women, as you know, were the original model for the Internet. 1261 01:02:39,364 --> 01:02:42,236 If the woman is doing something and she goes over here, 1262 01:02:42,280 --> 01:02:43,760 she travels, she goes somewhere else. 1263 01:02:43,803 --> 01:02:45,674 She goes, "Oh, I'm over here now. Oh, it's windy. 1264 01:02:45,718 --> 01:02:47,067 Oh, look. I found a grapefruit. 1265 01:02:47,111 --> 01:02:48,939 Brilliant. I'm bringing that home." 1266 01:02:48,982 --> 01:02:50,810 She talks to another woman, "What's it like over there?" 1267 01:02:50,854 --> 01:02:53,378 "Well, it's a bit windy, but you get grapefruit." 1268 01:02:53,421 --> 01:02:55,032 Brilliant. That's the Internet. Now-- 1269 01:02:56,903 --> 01:02:59,471 A man gets hold of a piece of information, he thinks, 1270 01:02:59,514 --> 01:03:02,169 "Ha, ha, ha! I have an advantage over everybody." 1271 01:03:02,213 --> 01:03:05,085 He curls into a ball and dies there on that spot. 1272 01:03:07,958 --> 01:03:09,655 It's a totally different process. 1273 01:03:09,698 --> 01:03:12,876 I know this 'cause I come home with a cool story to share with my wife. 1274 01:03:12,919 --> 01:03:15,835 You know, this is just a gender split. 1275 01:03:15,879 --> 01:03:17,968 'Cause I'll come home with a cool story, like, you know-- 1276 01:03:18,011 --> 01:03:19,665 "I saw your friend in the supermarket." 1277 01:03:19,708 --> 01:03:21,232 You see, that's something to share. 1278 01:03:21,275 --> 01:03:22,711 And she'll-- 1279 01:03:22,755 --> 01:03:25,671 I'm not a trained sociologist with a coat and everything. 1280 01:03:25,714 --> 01:03:29,588 But then, what they probably call-- 1281 01:03:29,631 --> 01:03:31,416 all the crazy shit starts, 1282 01:03:31,459 --> 01:03:34,985 because she turns around with her insane requirements for detail. 1283 01:03:35,028 --> 01:03:38,031 She'll turn around and say, "Oh, really? Who?" 1284 01:03:42,775 --> 01:03:44,864 "I don't know. You have 4,000 friends. 1285 01:03:44,908 --> 01:03:48,346 I have no idea. There was a woman I recognized. 1286 01:03:48,389 --> 01:03:49,869 She has big hair." 1287 01:03:49,913 --> 01:03:51,784 "Oh, Angela!" "Yeah, I think that's her. Yeah." 1288 01:03:51,828 --> 01:03:54,395 "Is her husband's cousin's orthodontist back from Peru?" 1289 01:03:54,439 --> 01:03:57,094 "I don't know that. I don't know. 1290 01:03:57,137 --> 01:04:00,967 She was buying tomatoes. I didn't talk to her in case she asked me something." 1291 01:04:01,011 --> 01:04:03,274 Um-- 1292 01:04:03,317 --> 01:04:07,017 It's a totally different way of sharing information. 1293 01:04:07,060 --> 01:04:09,410 So all women during the day are freezing 1294 01:04:09,454 --> 01:04:12,805 because all the kilojoules in their bodies are burnt up 1295 01:04:12,849 --> 01:04:16,635 by knowing everything about everybody around them for a two-mile radius. 1296 01:04:18,376 --> 01:04:22,684 And to make it worse, everybody they live with is a clueless zombie. 1297 01:04:22,728 --> 01:04:25,035 So the woman's standing around all day, generally just freezing. 1298 01:04:25,078 --> 01:04:27,341 Just feeling cold going, "Oh, God. Somebody give me a cardigan. 1299 01:04:27,385 --> 01:04:30,475 Please fix the draft. Where's the fucking radiator in this house? 1300 01:04:30,518 --> 01:04:33,130 What's wrong with everybody? Nobody knows anything. 1301 01:04:33,173 --> 01:04:35,654 They're gonna come in and ask me stuff. Here they come, here they come." 1302 01:04:35,697 --> 01:04:37,569 Then they just come. They come in-- "Have you seen my--" 1303 01:04:37,612 --> 01:04:40,267 "Yeah, I put it on the stairs an hour ago. I knew you'd want it. 1304 01:04:40,311 --> 01:04:43,531 You running for the train? Yes, I made you a sandwich. I knew you wouldn't think of it. 1305 01:04:43,575 --> 01:04:45,229 Yes, it's vegetarian. 1306 01:04:45,272 --> 01:04:47,100 That's gonna last for a day and a half, you fucking moron. Yes. 1307 01:04:47,144 --> 01:04:48,885 What is it, dear? Irregular Spanish verbs? 1308 01:04:48,928 --> 01:04:50,799 Yeah, bring them over here. I can't wait. There you go." 1309 01:04:50,843 --> 01:04:52,366 [shuddering] "There you go, yeah? Good work." 1310 01:04:52,410 --> 01:04:54,238 Freezing all day long. She gets into bed. She's doing nothing. 1311 01:04:54,281 --> 01:04:56,762 She falls asleep-- [mimics explosion] She goes on fire. 1312 01:04:59,025 --> 01:05:02,724 And then turns around and says, "Why do you never put your arms around me anymore?" 1313 01:05:02,768 --> 01:05:06,554 That's because I want them back. That's why. 1314 01:05:06,598 --> 01:05:09,862 I don't want two charred stumps. Thank you very much. 1315 01:05:09,906 --> 01:05:11,995 Nobody told me I was marrying fissile material. 1316 01:05:12,038 --> 01:05:14,127 What are you burning in there? 1317 01:05:17,217 --> 01:05:19,524 Um-- 1318 01:05:19,567 --> 01:05:22,875 They're all hot. 1319 01:05:22,919 --> 01:05:24,311 Now, 1320 01:05:25,747 --> 01:05:27,924 you know, I'm not a hero, 1321 01:05:27,967 --> 01:05:30,448 but I sort of imagine like most people, 1322 01:05:30,491 --> 01:05:32,798 I think of myself as reasonably not brave, 1323 01:05:32,841 --> 01:05:36,976 but, you know, sanguine or, you know, cool about most things. 1324 01:05:37,020 --> 01:05:40,588 And, um, I said that after we got this film-- 1325 01:05:40,632 --> 01:05:44,244 We were watching this film. It was a heroic film, and I was thinking, 1326 01:05:44,288 --> 01:05:48,118 I can't do any of that stuff. I can't remember the last time I was really afraid. 1327 01:05:48,161 --> 01:05:50,250 And my wife said, "Oh, well, I can." 1328 01:05:51,295 --> 01:05:52,818 We were watching television. 1329 01:05:52,861 --> 01:05:55,125 And she was right 'cause it was one of those scary films. 1330 01:05:55,168 --> 01:05:57,562 I wasn't scared by the-- I love bad scary films. 1331 01:05:57,605 --> 01:06:00,260 That's what it was. It was from the '70s or '80s. It was terrible. 1332 01:06:00,304 --> 01:06:03,307 It was a creaky landing, and a woman with a nightgown with a candle, 1333 01:06:03,350 --> 01:06:05,613 and there's a window with net curtains going, "Ooh." 1334 01:06:05,657 --> 01:06:07,789 And my wife was petrified. 1335 01:06:07,833 --> 01:06:10,183 It's very funny watching something terr-- 1336 01:06:10,227 --> 01:06:12,925 I wasn't watching the film. I was just watching her 'cause she was going, 1337 01:06:12,969 --> 01:06:18,452 "Oh, the candle, the curtain, the curtain, the candle. Oh, something's gonna happen." 1338 01:06:18,496 --> 01:06:20,977 Either I was laughing or falling around, 1339 01:06:21,020 --> 01:06:23,849 then I went to get some more wine or a cup of tea or whatever it was. 1340 01:06:23,892 --> 01:06:27,679 I came back, and she flipped to that thing where babies, actual babies, 1341 01:06:27,722 --> 01:06:30,247 are coming out of real people. 1342 01:06:30,290 --> 01:06:31,639 Born in a minute, that thing, 1343 01:06:31,683 --> 01:06:33,554 and they-they're coming out. 1344 01:06:33,598 --> 01:06:36,644 And I was going, "Aaah! No, no, no!" 1345 01:06:36,688 --> 01:06:38,255 And she was there-- "What's the matter? 1346 01:06:38,298 --> 01:06:40,474 Eating lasagna. It's just twins." 1347 01:06:40,518 --> 01:06:42,868 Um-- 1348 01:06:42,911 --> 01:06:44,739 She's feeling very brave then, 1349 01:06:44,783 --> 01:06:48,352 but she couldn't handle it if there were curtains down there going, "Ooh." 1350 01:06:48,395 --> 01:06:51,311 And the babies came out with a candle going, "Aaah!" 1351 01:06:51,355 --> 01:06:53,792 Um-- 1352 01:06:53,835 --> 01:06:56,273 So different things get you. 1353 01:06:56,316 --> 01:07:00,364 And the-- the other thing that got me was we were walking along the river, 1354 01:07:00,407 --> 01:07:02,540 and, um, I'm not a-- I'm not a-- 1355 01:07:02,583 --> 01:07:04,281 I don't like heights or the dark. 1356 01:07:04,324 --> 01:07:05,891 They're pretty much universal fears. 1357 01:07:05,934 --> 01:07:07,588 I thought I was good with everything else, 1358 01:07:07,632 --> 01:07:10,635 but I don't like small flying objects coming at me at high speed, 1359 01:07:10,678 --> 01:07:12,115 and that's what happened. 1360 01:07:12,158 --> 01:07:14,639 A small flying object came at me at high speed. 1361 01:07:14,682 --> 01:07:17,294 I shrieked as I fell. I'm a practical person. 1362 01:07:17,337 --> 01:07:19,470 Um-- [clears throat] 1363 01:07:19,513 --> 01:07:22,951 Got into the fetal position. You hear a lot about how empathetic women are. 1364 01:07:22,995 --> 01:07:25,215 I'm not sure how empathetic my wife was feeling at the time, 1365 01:07:25,258 --> 01:07:27,565 'cause she was busy laughing, and, um-- 1366 01:07:27,608 --> 01:07:31,656 It was that silent laughter where nothing-- she's just rocking. 1367 01:07:31,699 --> 01:07:34,615 And after about half a minute, she was able to work me into her schedule and go, 1368 01:07:34,659 --> 01:07:37,270 "A leaf! A leaf! A leaf!" 1369 01:07:42,406 --> 01:07:45,409 In some cultures, people would probably call that fear. 1370 01:07:45,452 --> 01:07:47,237 And, um-- [clears throat] 1371 01:07:48,977 --> 01:07:51,415 But actually, I've talked for far too long. I should go. 1372 01:07:51,458 --> 01:07:54,113 The, um-- I'm gonna tell you this, and then I'm gonna go. 1373 01:07:54,157 --> 01:07:56,463 [audience groaning]I don't think-- I don't-- 1374 01:07:56,507 --> 01:07:58,248 Oh, thanks. That's very-- That's very-- 1375 01:07:58,291 --> 01:08:02,339 [whispering]: There's nothing left.[audience laughs] 1376 01:08:02,382 --> 01:08:04,036 Shh. 1377 01:08:05,951 --> 01:08:09,128 Oh, there is. There is, but I'm not gonna remember it. 1378 01:08:09,172 --> 01:08:12,000 You get to a certain point, and that's it. The car stops. 1379 01:08:12,044 --> 01:08:13,524 Then it's this. Okay? 1380 01:08:13,567 --> 01:08:15,134 Uh-- 1381 01:08:15,178 --> 01:08:17,484 One of the few things I can imagine that probably is easier-- 1382 01:08:17,528 --> 01:08:21,575 a bit easier for women, if you happen to be a woman, 1383 01:08:21,619 --> 01:08:23,490 is flirting. 1384 01:08:23,534 --> 01:08:25,884 That's because it's hard for men. There's no guide. 1385 01:08:25,927 --> 01:08:27,755 At least there's a protocol for women. 1386 01:08:27,799 --> 01:08:30,149 There's a template. There's something you've seen before. 1387 01:08:30,193 --> 01:08:32,630 You know, in films and so on, a woman talks to someone and goes, 1388 01:08:32,673 --> 01:08:35,023 "Yeah, I'm kind of interested." Maybe a little bit talky, 1389 01:08:35,067 --> 01:08:39,680 and then maybe slightly laughing, "Ha-ha! Yeah, well, I suppose it's possible." 1390 01:08:39,724 --> 01:08:42,509 And then slightly more intrigued and looking and listening and, "Mmm, yeah." 1391 01:08:42,553 --> 01:08:45,338 And then maybe slightly shy about her own interests, 1392 01:08:45,382 --> 01:08:47,688 looking away, but not being able to resist looking back, 1393 01:08:47,732 --> 01:08:52,171 frankly more interested this time and looking and thinking and then-- Ha-ha! 1394 01:08:52,215 --> 01:08:54,956 Laughing and enjoying, "Oh, you really are rather-- Mmm." 1395 01:08:55,000 --> 01:08:57,916 And then revealing something more of herself possibly, 1396 01:08:57,959 --> 01:09:01,833 maybe just as a suggestion, by accident, and then disappearing. 1397 01:09:01,876 --> 01:09:05,924 So that person is left going, "Who's that amazing woman? Wow!" 1398 01:09:05,967 --> 01:09:08,318 Try that as a man. 1399 01:09:10,711 --> 01:09:13,758 Talking to a woman going, "How's it? Yeah." [muttering] 1400 01:09:13,801 --> 01:09:16,152 "Ha! Yeah." [muttering] 1401 01:09:16,195 --> 01:09:19,198 Oh, I looked too interested there. Look away. Wait, wait, wait. 1402 01:09:19,242 --> 01:09:22,375 I can't help it. I have to look back. I'm really interested. 1403 01:09:22,419 --> 01:09:24,943 [imitates nervous laugh] 1404 01:09:24,986 --> 01:09:28,599 Judging just the right amount of scrotum to reveal before you. 1405 01:09:28,642 --> 01:09:31,167 Yeah, ha-ha! 1406 01:09:31,210 --> 01:09:33,734 Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. 1407 01:09:33,778 --> 01:09:35,649 [audience cheering] 1408 01:09:38,913 --> 01:09:40,524 Thanks a lot. Night-night. 1409 01:09:45,050 --> 01:09:47,487 [cheering continues] 1410 01:10:00,718 --> 01:10:02,720 Okay. 1411 01:10:04,504 --> 01:10:06,724 Okay, I forgot a thing. 1412 01:10:08,116 --> 01:10:10,380 It's not a huge surprise. Um-- 1413 01:10:11,990 --> 01:10:13,252 So, look, 1414 01:10:15,254 --> 01:10:17,343 I'm going to do this. This is what happened. 1415 01:10:17,387 --> 01:10:20,259 This book came out a couple of years ago, 1416 01:10:20,303 --> 01:10:22,696 and it was, uh-- it was very famous. 1417 01:10:22,740 --> 01:10:25,395 It was around for a while. It was around for a long time actually, 1418 01:10:25,438 --> 01:10:27,135 and the movie is just out recently. 1419 01:10:27,179 --> 01:10:29,312 When the book came out, I was thinking, "Oh, that'll go away." 1420 01:10:29,355 --> 01:10:31,183 And it didn't, so I got very intrigued. 1421 01:10:31,227 --> 01:10:33,838 I went down to the bookshop and I waited a little bit standing there. 1422 01:10:33,881 --> 01:10:37,233 It was called, um, Fifty Shades of Grey.Um-- 1423 01:10:38,756 --> 01:10:41,367 It's an erotic novel. It's written, you know-- 1424 01:10:41,411 --> 01:10:44,588 It's targeted at women, so it's obviously interesting. 1425 01:10:44,631 --> 01:10:46,807 And, uh-- 1426 01:10:46,851 --> 01:10:48,505 Well, it is, 'cause it's such a success. 1427 01:10:48,548 --> 01:10:50,376 And I was reading a bit and I thought, 1428 01:10:50,420 --> 01:10:52,509 this is-- this is kind of funny, 1429 01:10:52,552 --> 01:10:57,340 but it's also gotta be-- this is possibly an easier way to make a living. 1430 01:10:58,732 --> 01:11:00,212 So-- 1431 01:11:01,735 --> 01:11:05,261 I started-- I started-- It doesn't have a title. 1432 01:11:05,304 --> 01:11:07,263 There's no title. It's just-- 1433 01:11:07,306 --> 01:11:10,004 It's just called "Erotic Fiction Blockbuster." Okay? 1434 01:11:10,048 --> 01:11:12,529 So, I hope my hair looks good. 1435 01:11:12,572 --> 01:11:14,357 The, um-- [clears throat] 1436 01:11:14,400 --> 01:11:17,838 If you get aroused, don't worry about it. It's happening to everybody. 1437 01:11:19,579 --> 01:11:23,496 "Yes!" You see that straight in there. 1438 01:11:23,540 --> 01:11:26,325 "'Yes,' she said, looping with her fingers away 1439 01:11:26,369 --> 01:11:29,328 with glossy comma of fringe from her brow." 1440 01:11:31,722 --> 01:11:35,465 "'Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!' 1441 01:11:35,508 --> 01:11:37,336 'Who are you?' He said." 1442 01:11:37,380 --> 01:11:39,773 [audience laughing] 1443 01:11:43,386 --> 01:11:46,606 "'What are you doing in my bathroom?' 1444 01:11:46,650 --> 01:11:48,391 She approached him like a panther, 1445 01:11:48,434 --> 01:11:52,177 a drunk panther who was walking on their back legs as a party trick. 1446 01:11:53,657 --> 01:11:56,834 She looked at his midriff naked under his vest-shirt-cardigan 1447 01:11:56,877 --> 01:11:58,966 and three-quarters-length duffle coat. 1448 01:12:01,795 --> 01:12:07,105 Her breast heaved. She saw the testicles bag twisting against his knee. 1449 01:12:09,150 --> 01:12:11,327 Her other breast heaved. 1450 01:12:14,199 --> 01:12:16,636 'What's in the bag?' she said. 1451 01:12:16,680 --> 01:12:19,247 He stepped closer wary, frightened, disbelieving, 1452 01:12:19,291 --> 01:12:23,208 disorientated but definitely aroused. 1453 01:12:23,251 --> 01:12:25,166 'What's in my bag?' he said. 1454 01:12:27,343 --> 01:12:29,867 She raised her chin to him showing no trepidation 1455 01:12:29,910 --> 01:12:33,392 apart from some brief, intense fiddling with her hospital bracelet. 1456 01:12:39,180 --> 01:12:41,269 He stepped closer cruelly, deliciously. 1457 01:12:41,313 --> 01:12:43,141 His duffle bottoms pressed into her. 1458 01:12:43,184 --> 01:12:46,449 She thought she might come right there all over the loofah and everything. 1459 01:12:50,453 --> 01:12:55,109 His gaze was stern, unyielding like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic." 1460 01:13:00,158 --> 01:13:02,900 [applause] 1461 01:13:02,943 --> 01:13:04,380 "'Soup,' he said! 1462 01:13:06,556 --> 01:13:08,427 Although because he had a cleft palate, 1463 01:13:08,471 --> 01:13:10,298 it came out as, 'Cloup.' 1464 01:13:14,520 --> 01:13:18,394 'Bite me, using only your gums,' she screamed. 1465 01:13:21,005 --> 01:13:24,095 'Fling me into a windmill. 1466 01:13:24,138 --> 01:13:26,924 Hide my phone charger.'" 1467 01:13:26,967 --> 01:13:29,448 Thank you very much, everyone. I'll see you later. Night-night. 1468 01:13:29,492 --> 01:13:31,537 [cheering] 1469 01:13:42,418 --> 01:13:44,724 [cheering continues] 1470 01:13:57,476 --> 01:13:59,304 [cheering fades] 1471 01:14:03,351 --> 01:14:05,571 [chattering] 1472 01:14:27,811 --> 01:14:29,856 [ladder wheels rattling]